where the wild things are

hi there. :)

so, i used to write here.

i used to write thoughts and hopes and dreams and all kinds of nonsense and most of it was pretty emo. before here, i used to write in other places.

i don't write much anymore. and i can't figure out if that's a pro or a con.

:) probably neither. if you used to come here to read, i'm flattered. thanks. it's simply not the best way to keep up on my life anymore. 2008 brought SO many ridiculous, life-altering changes and in the end i am happier. more at peace. even, dare i say, the best i've ever been. there are good things going on in my life and the hard things have made me stronger. God is gracious and blesses me even when i have a history of baggage and mistakes. brokenness i swore i'd never get over is somehow a lot more healed than it used to be. and i'm happy. :)

i just thought i'd let you know. maybe i'll come back to this someday, maybe not. either way, who cares? life is for living, not writing about.

the ball, it is rolling.

after a lot of

"you should charge for this!"

and

"have you ever thought of doing photography as a business??"

i'm finally getting it off the ground.

(here's a link if anybody's interested.)

(nancynoble).photography

in this situation... what is my best?

okay.

so you may have picked up on a little frustration in my last post.

yeah.

and maybe even some despair.

sure, i'll own that.

but something i realized today, after a no-good, very bad, horrible day of doubt and tears is this:

i may not know much, or how i am gonna get there, but i serve a very powerful God.

what is impossible for Him?

nothing.

what do i need to do in the meantime, even in the unknowing?

my best.

i can do that.

i know where i lack discipline, strength, a good attitude.

i have the power to change all that.

no matter what, i can and should do my best... and leave the rest in God's hands.

kind of tired.

long story short:

life doesn't turn out the way you plan.

hahahahahaha. yup.

for now, i am in new york. tonight is the last night alone in my apartment, my beautiful, wood-floored, perfect-for-one, high ceiling-ed, built-in-bookshelfed apartment. as i packed up the remnants of stuff, i realized how much i want to get rid of it, all of it. i actually really do. if i were moving all this crap with someone else it might have more meaning, but (sounding pathetic, warning, warning) moving it all just for me and completely alone feels rather hollow and empty. like, if i'm going to be single why am i not running around having insane adventures? why am i instead married to/trapped by all this "stuff"?!

end pathetic rant.

anyhow, i am picking up the pieces and attempting to figure out what in the world comes next. the Lord has been so so so good to me in providing for my needs so far, but i confess it's still difficult not to be stressed by whatever is next.

so i'll just do my best and keep on taking one day at a time.

even though it hasn't been fun necessarily and at times i wish for being back where i was, i am thankful and know that i had to try or i'd never be satisfied with the "what-if"'s. i wouldn't. for better or worse, that is just how i am. so now i just deal with the days and feel relieved that maybe, just maybe, there are things beyond my understanding.

what's the worst that can happen?

i've been trying hard.

damn hard.

and still... this one thing isn't working out too well for me.

this one, kind of "big deal" kind of thing.

ummmmma ummmmmma ummmmmma umm.

last night in talking with someone about this topic, i asked for prayers about today's exam.

i told him, "it's not like i'm afraid to fail at this thing... i just have to survive, for at least a year."

well, guess what i figured out?

i think i am afraid to fail.

i've had people left and right telling me, "you'll be great at no matter what you do!" and "you're so smart, you're so _____! you're so ____!"

ha. well, guess what. some days, i'm not. and maybe i'll fail. that's looking like a distinct possibility.

maybe by some miracle i won't :)

but if i do, what's the worst that can happen?

let me tell you.

i take my kitty

pack my bags

and forgetaboutit.

moving was still a good choice, this i know.

and as to all the other details, God will take care of me. His ways are not my ways.

//from yesterday

as i watch the sunset out my back window, i realize the days are long and already i'm thinking of how quickly that will end... oh, pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex, you never completely leave me alone. :)

tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.

right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.

true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.

i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.

well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.

there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)

my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.

maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.

surprise!

of this i am sure, now more than ever: i have no idea what i want.

if you need me in the next three years, i'll be in a dark and hidden hole. sleeping it (my life) off. call me when it's over and i have choices again.

also: a list of negativity. just because. a) i am really fantastic at doing things which make absolutely no money. b) or maybe if i knew how to market these skills better i'd somehow be able to make a living doing these things which don't zap me of my will to live. c) i hate money and currently hate making a living, and this has nothing to do with avoiding responsibility or not wanting to grow up. d) sorry for complaining. i just had to say it outloud to feel like it (my life) was somehow a bit more palatable. e) don't worry. nothing's REALLY wrong.

not forgotten.

hello from the east side!

there have been many thoughts about picking up here again. but as of late, i've been busy transitioning. :)

for a quick kind of update: life is very different, but good. and i know this is where i should be, and that's a good feeling because i hadn't felt that way in portland for quite some time.

here's a shout out of pros and cons for my new town:

PROS
.quiet/peaceful.
.awesome sunsets from my window.
.smalltown charm.
.sunny weather.
.cheap living.
.close to my family, but not too close. (heh :))
.quirky.
.challenging.

CONS
.lots of cows.
.smalltown charm.

see? the pros far outweigh the cons. :) life is going well, very well. i feel hemmed in, which is a nice way to feel. that could come across many ways to many different people, but all you need to know is this: the past two years has been a little nutso, and it feels fine to simmah down now.

...

i do okay most of the time,

but reading those words you wrote can still make me cry.

darn you, information age. i want to forget how i loved. there's not a lot of love i'd like to forget, but that is one that has come and gone and still feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

i think all this transition is bringing a lot of emotion to the surface... i will be happy to be on my way.

hardest part

do i only write here when i'm bummed?!

haha.

will work on that in the future.

but for now-

slight rant.

i don't mind being single, it's honestly going really well.

i need it right now. i need to figure a few things out. try to get myself squared away and okay so i don't repeat some of the same mistakes and/or make permanent ones.

so, single is good.

the only part i hate (really hate)

is watching everyone else go home together

while i go home alone.

yeah, that sucks.

it just feels significant

... and lonely.