there have been days lately when i've felt abit melancholy. maybe not whole days but parts of days when things or people or holidays or shooting stars or bob dylan lines remind me of you. deep down i know it's best that we're not where we were, but at the same time there have only been two people i've had this weird experience with, of being so close to, so trusting of, and so "right" alongside. the first one, back in highschool, was a good friend and he never knew, we never crossed that friendship line, but you definitely did. you had my whole being right in the palm of your hand. looking back, now i know that much trust was probably unwise of me to give. i wish i had more courage to say and be even more myself when we were what we were. i didn't want to rush things or pressure you, but then again, even from day one i had a premonition of sorts that i'd lose you and was scared to do or say something to drive you away. it's easy for me to blame myself for everything even though logically i know it's not my fault.
i'm a great car dancer these days, you'd be proud. i break it down like it's 1999 without exception. i wish we could bomb around this town with no cares and a world of adventure ahead, and i wonder what it would've been like if i had said "yes" instead of a firm "no" earlier this past summer. there are different types of loves in life, and i just don't know how to label you or make you realize how special you were. are. once we talked about your belief that there is no right "one", as long as basic beliefs and such line up with a member of the opposite sex, you could marry anyone and be perfectly happy. at the time i agreed with you, but now i'm not so sure. loving you has taken a part of me with you, oh so far away, and i'm not sure i'll be able to love like that again. i hope that a wonderful man oneday proves me wrong, but so many months later i still found myself watching the vermont scenery zip by on a cold december evening and turned my head away so that no one else would see the tears for you that i couldn't contain as they slowly escaped and ran down my face.
it's amazing to realize the power to change so many lives stemming from one choice on an early december night. this is all a bunch of nonsense and i'm not expecting these words to do a thing, they're just words and you are a mystery, far away and otherwise attached. i'm anxious for a fresh start and a new year, because even though a day doesn't really make a difference, 2008 has no attachment to you at all, and i need a year without you in it.
12.27.2007
12.18.2007
goodbye, hello
to sum up 2007: lesson learned.
welcome, 2008. you seem like you will be a fine year- i hope to do you justice.
oregon weather at christmastime is touchy and tempermental, like a woman who gravitates towards the prerogative to change her mind. maybe it's because i am such a woman that i can appreciate the indecisiveness. :) all day it's been pouring buckets followed by dashes of sunlight, then clouds, then drips, finally a little blue sky. however, i love the unpredictability and the change. it's a small spot of adventure for this heart who longs to see more than the four walls of an office. what would i do without my window to watch the weather and the time pass by?
inbetween the raindrops, christmas lights sparkle around house trim and front yards and green trees found in living rooms… pretty much any surface that is deemed decoratable. days are merry and bright, and even the most scrooge-like people i know have something to smile about. christmas is full of secrets and wishes and promise. my family will be together again, and i'll do my best to make six days seem longer than they actually are. do you hear what i hear? a small vacation, time on the east coast, mom's homemade cinnamon rolls and time with a new brother-in-law. that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
welcome, 2008. you seem like you will be a fine year- i hope to do you justice.
oregon weather at christmastime is touchy and tempermental, like a woman who gravitates towards the prerogative to change her mind. maybe it's because i am such a woman that i can appreciate the indecisiveness. :) all day it's been pouring buckets followed by dashes of sunlight, then clouds, then drips, finally a little blue sky. however, i love the unpredictability and the change. it's a small spot of adventure for this heart who longs to see more than the four walls of an office. what would i do without my window to watch the weather and the time pass by?
inbetween the raindrops, christmas lights sparkle around house trim and front yards and green trees found in living rooms… pretty much any surface that is deemed decoratable. days are merry and bright, and even the most scrooge-like people i know have something to smile about. christmas is full of secrets and wishes and promise. my family will be together again, and i'll do my best to make six days seem longer than they actually are. do you hear what i hear? a small vacation, time on the east coast, mom's homemade cinnamon rolls and time with a new brother-in-law. that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
12.12.2007
mishmash
on the way home, i made a quasi-impulsive choice to stop at new seasons (a local grocery chain) and pick up a vegan cupcake. this decision only qualifies as "quasi-impulsive" because i'd been mulling it over all night and really only pretended that it was not my plan all along. :) as i was wandering through this store, full of normal food types of things PLUS the not-normal, quirky and artsy portland-esque randomness, i thought about how i wish i had more money to buy some of this stuff. i'm certainly not destitute, but there are times when i feel slightly poor while living in this amazing city which offers all these beautiful things to be purchased and worn and played with.
then i thought about a friend, who earlier tonight talked about HIS friend (who happens to be a pretty well-known writer), and how the well-known guy was saying that writing just hasn't been that easy since he got to be not-poor.
which made me glad that i was still poor. and also reminded me of the fact that i don't think i could do a good job with lots of money. which made me hope to always be poor.
to me, having lots of money and doing a good job with it would mean giving most of it away. i mean, seriously. what if you made six figures and CHOSE to live off of $35,000? in most places, that's plenty. think of how much you could give away to people who didn't have a place to sleep or clean clothes to wear or food to eat. however, i don't really trust myself and so i hope the Lord will keep me not in abundance of money because i'd be quite tempted to live comfortably and forget about those who are not.
other thoughts that i'm brainstorming over and have been all day: many people in other parts of the world have ONE meal a day. most of us get three. what if we somehow shared so that everybody got two? there are ways this could be done and i'm just storming and storming and mulling some more. pipe up if you have any good input.
then i thought about a friend, who earlier tonight talked about HIS friend (who happens to be a pretty well-known writer), and how the well-known guy was saying that writing just hasn't been that easy since he got to be not-poor.
which made me glad that i was still poor. and also reminded me of the fact that i don't think i could do a good job with lots of money. which made me hope to always be poor.
to me, having lots of money and doing a good job with it would mean giving most of it away. i mean, seriously. what if you made six figures and CHOSE to live off of $35,000? in most places, that's plenty. think of how much you could give away to people who didn't have a place to sleep or clean clothes to wear or food to eat. however, i don't really trust myself and so i hope the Lord will keep me not in abundance of money because i'd be quite tempted to live comfortably and forget about those who are not.
other thoughts that i'm brainstorming over and have been all day: many people in other parts of the world have ONE meal a day. most of us get three. what if we somehow shared so that everybody got two? there are ways this could be done and i'm just storming and storming and mulling some more. pipe up if you have any good input.
12.06.2007
tea for one, and one for tea
when it comes to finding the right mug, fit is everything. i sit at my desk (aka “cube jail”) and stop working for half a moment. my left hand wraps around this mug and slips under the handle, while the right hand holds closer to the base. fingertips touching, just fingertips- it’s too hot still for palms. every few seconds i dare the face of my hand closer and closer until it’s painful, then inch away again. warmth. wonderful warmth. elbows bent, i draw the tea up to my face and breathe. mmmmmm. coffee always smells better than it tastes, but tea? tea is rarely a letdown. two fingers play with the tag as i draw the mug closer towards me. this mug truly is a work of art, for it has a little lip that fits perfectly right above mine. i breathe out, and then skim the top so that a little sip slides right down and warms me all the way through. “what caveman genius in his cave thought of this?” i wonder to myself. whoever he might be, i’d like to shake his hand.
12.05.2007
love is not a vict'ry march
...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.
oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.
no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.
what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.
hallelujah.
if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.
oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.
no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.
what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.
hallelujah.
11.28.2007
the least of these
on wednesday nights, i hand out socks.
they're nothing special, but they're clean and warm and black (which i guess stay looking nicer longer than white ones)... and i walk around downtown as a part of a motley crew made up of 3-13 people, depending on the week. we all go to the same church on sunday, but on wednesdays wander throughout portland, handing out socks and other things in order to find a way to start conversations and build relationships.
do you ever notice homeless people on the side of the street? they're easy to miss. easy because it's nicer to pretend they're not there and they're not people, just like you and me or your daughter or your best friend from third grade. it's easy to pull out the excuse of safety in order to not reach out- after all, you never know which one might pull out a knife or a gun and just go all violent, to try and take your purse or wallet. it's easier to keep your eyes forward, head up, look confident, and to not even acknowledge their pleas for spare change.
however, these people without homes were made in the image of God. like your mom or dad, favorite neighbor, or younger sibling, their value can't be measured.
they're people.
tonight i want to tell you about amber, the girl/woman we met outside of rite-aid earlier in the year. i think the first time i remember seeing her was in the summertime, where the homeless population is abuzz with transient train-hoppers and hitchhikers and warmth and smells. our motley crew meets more people in the warm months, but most of them come and go quickly; we don't really have an opportunity to get to know them.
it's hard to love somebody when you don't know them.
amber, on the other hand, was almost always in front of rite aid with her crew. my friend jenni connected with her really easily but soon the rest of my group all knew and loved her. she stood no taller than 5'2", medium build, long, frizzy brown hair and gaps where some of her teeth should be. i remember her raspy voice that was almost always made worse by a constant headcold, and how sweet yet gravelly it sounded when she looked over and said, "hello, darlin'!" as she recognized your face. her blue hoodie would be pulled up to cover most of her hair and as she greeted you her arms would automatically reach out for a sincere, warmth-filled embrace. i really appreciate when people know how to hug well, and amber gave great hugs.
from spending less than an hour with her once a week, we learned about her two kids, a boy and a girl, that she loved and thought about all the time but at the same time knew she couldn't be a good mom to them as she was. they hadn't been taken away from her by the state but she left them with her aunt, and wanted to try and piece herself back together for their sake. according to a cop my friend michael talked to, she had been a fixture here, living on the streets of portland for about 3 years. we also found out that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer and was using alcohol to deal with the pain. we kept up on how she was doing and encouraged her to show up for the doctor appointment she had finally made to (hopefully) schedule a surgery. she was then turned down for the oregon health plan... and so everything related to that surgery was put on hold indefinitely even though cancer isn't something that waits for better health care options.
through a random connection and a divine appointment of sorts for one of my group's members, he told amber's story to a city councilman who gave him a phone number and then followed through and found money in the county for situations just like these. an emergency family fund of sorts for people who make their bedroom under the burnside bridge and their living space right past pioneer square. my friend jenni helped amber make appointment after appointment and became her voice when amber's frustrations with the process became too much to handle. through it all, the diagnosis was re-confirmed, and the cancer was still operable. it looked hopeful, so hopeful.
amber always said there wasn't a lot she wouldn't do, but she refused to do drugs. however, when she was REALLY drunk, there wasn't a lot of reason left. last night while amber was really wasted and hanging around the wrong types of people, she accidentally overdosed on something she shot up. such a hopeful situation now seems like a waste- i don't even know what to say here because it's so strange that she's gone. this beautiful- yet to many, repulsive- piece of humanity stopped breathing, stopped being.
i was thinking about the last time i saw her. she had definitely been drinking and i could smell the alcohol from a few feet away. we talked about a lot of different things, and in the middle of telling me about the latest with her on-again off-again boyfriend and her new haircut (which was somewhat impulsive :)), she stopped, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that she loved me. that's never happened with any of the people i've met and spent time with on the streets- most of them are hardened, guarded, frightened, and definitely looking out for number one. not her. i gave her a quick hug and told her that i loved her too, although looking back now i don't think i loved her as well as i could have. there's this quote that my friend tim (who's the leader of this motley bunch) sent out to all of us a few days ago, before any of this had happened. the main point of the quote is, "what do i love when i love my God?" just now matthew 25:40 came to my mind and i looked it up online in a few different versions:
(the message) Matthew 25: 37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'"
let's work harder at loving God this way.
please pray for amber's son and daughter, who are around 5 and 7 years old.
please pray for her boyfriend, keith. they had been having problems recently and apparently after watching amber die, he flipped out, tore up her stuff with a razor blade, and ran away from his friends. last we heard no one knew what happened to him.
please also keep in your prayers the community of homeless kids and twentysomethings that knew and loved her. there will be such a temptation for them to use more than they already do. please pray that amber's death will cause them to seek a reason to live, and that the Lord would draw them to Himself.
they're nothing special, but they're clean and warm and black (which i guess stay looking nicer longer than white ones)... and i walk around downtown as a part of a motley crew made up of 3-13 people, depending on the week. we all go to the same church on sunday, but on wednesdays wander throughout portland, handing out socks and other things in order to find a way to start conversations and build relationships.
do you ever notice homeless people on the side of the street? they're easy to miss. easy because it's nicer to pretend they're not there and they're not people, just like you and me or your daughter or your best friend from third grade. it's easy to pull out the excuse of safety in order to not reach out- after all, you never know which one might pull out a knife or a gun and just go all violent, to try and take your purse or wallet. it's easier to keep your eyes forward, head up, look confident, and to not even acknowledge their pleas for spare change.
however, these people without homes were made in the image of God. like your mom or dad, favorite neighbor, or younger sibling, their value can't be measured.
they're people.
tonight i want to tell you about amber, the girl/woman we met outside of rite-aid earlier in the year. i think the first time i remember seeing her was in the summertime, where the homeless population is abuzz with transient train-hoppers and hitchhikers and warmth and smells. our motley crew meets more people in the warm months, but most of them come and go quickly; we don't really have an opportunity to get to know them.
it's hard to love somebody when you don't know them.
amber, on the other hand, was almost always in front of rite aid with her crew. my friend jenni connected with her really easily but soon the rest of my group all knew and loved her. she stood no taller than 5'2", medium build, long, frizzy brown hair and gaps where some of her teeth should be. i remember her raspy voice that was almost always made worse by a constant headcold, and how sweet yet gravelly it sounded when she looked over and said, "hello, darlin'!" as she recognized your face. her blue hoodie would be pulled up to cover most of her hair and as she greeted you her arms would automatically reach out for a sincere, warmth-filled embrace. i really appreciate when people know how to hug well, and amber gave great hugs.
from spending less than an hour with her once a week, we learned about her two kids, a boy and a girl, that she loved and thought about all the time but at the same time knew she couldn't be a good mom to them as she was. they hadn't been taken away from her by the state but she left them with her aunt, and wanted to try and piece herself back together for their sake. according to a cop my friend michael talked to, she had been a fixture here, living on the streets of portland for about 3 years. we also found out that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer and was using alcohol to deal with the pain. we kept up on how she was doing and encouraged her to show up for the doctor appointment she had finally made to (hopefully) schedule a surgery. she was then turned down for the oregon health plan... and so everything related to that surgery was put on hold indefinitely even though cancer isn't something that waits for better health care options.
through a random connection and a divine appointment of sorts for one of my group's members, he told amber's story to a city councilman who gave him a phone number and then followed through and found money in the county for situations just like these. an emergency family fund of sorts for people who make their bedroom under the burnside bridge and their living space right past pioneer square. my friend jenni helped amber make appointment after appointment and became her voice when amber's frustrations with the process became too much to handle. through it all, the diagnosis was re-confirmed, and the cancer was still operable. it looked hopeful, so hopeful.
amber always said there wasn't a lot she wouldn't do, but she refused to do drugs. however, when she was REALLY drunk, there wasn't a lot of reason left. last night while amber was really wasted and hanging around the wrong types of people, she accidentally overdosed on something she shot up. such a hopeful situation now seems like a waste- i don't even know what to say here because it's so strange that she's gone. this beautiful- yet to many, repulsive- piece of humanity stopped breathing, stopped being.
i was thinking about the last time i saw her. she had definitely been drinking and i could smell the alcohol from a few feet away. we talked about a lot of different things, and in the middle of telling me about the latest with her on-again off-again boyfriend and her new haircut (which was somewhat impulsive :)), she stopped, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that she loved me. that's never happened with any of the people i've met and spent time with on the streets- most of them are hardened, guarded, frightened, and definitely looking out for number one. not her. i gave her a quick hug and told her that i loved her too, although looking back now i don't think i loved her as well as i could have. there's this quote that my friend tim (who's the leader of this motley bunch) sent out to all of us a few days ago, before any of this had happened. the main point of the quote is, "what do i love when i love my God?" just now matthew 25:40 came to my mind and i looked it up online in a few different versions:
(the message) Matthew 25: 37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'"
let's work harder at loving God this way.
please pray for amber's son and daughter, who are around 5 and 7 years old.
please pray for her boyfriend, keith. they had been having problems recently and apparently after watching amber die, he flipped out, tore up her stuff with a razor blade, and ran away from his friends. last we heard no one knew what happened to him.
please also keep in your prayers the community of homeless kids and twentysomethings that knew and loved her. there will be such a temptation for them to use more than they already do. please pray that amber's death will cause them to seek a reason to live, and that the Lord would draw them to Himself.
11.23.2007
think/thank/thunk
older and wiser hurts, man.
just saying. (it really does.)
on the upside, God is speaking to my heart through people in my life that kick my behind. i love it. i'm thankful for them in ways that i can't even put into words.
currently praying for:
grace
strength
more wisdom
humility
more buttkickings
direction
vision
a tender and teachable heart
etc.
i may have to refer to the list above on a daily basis. okay, 2 or 3 times daily. we are forgetful creatures...
ps! my immediate family comes home from guatemala on saturday. this makes me SO happy. being incommunicado with them for most of the week has made me realize how much i appreciate the invention of cell phones and email. wowwww. yesindeedy i do.
just saying. (it really does.)
on the upside, God is speaking to my heart through people in my life that kick my behind. i love it. i'm thankful for them in ways that i can't even put into words.
currently praying for:
grace
strength
more wisdom
humility
more buttkickings
direction
vision
a tender and teachable heart
etc.
i may have to refer to the list above on a daily basis. okay, 2 or 3 times daily. we are forgetful creatures...
ps! my immediate family comes home from guatemala on saturday. this makes me SO happy. being incommunicado with them for most of the week has made me realize how much i appreciate the invention of cell phones and email. wowwww. yesindeedy i do.
11.20.2007
to whom it may concern
please meet me here (tonight), at the city of books. it’ll be such fun, exploring together. from time to time, we’ll find a quiet corner to claim as our own and read bits of beautiful literature until we want to burst from the sheer joy found in those few sentences strung together.
afterwards, i promise: i'll treat to a delicious cup of tea.
look for the girl in the blue-and-gray argyle sweater, scarf around her neck and camera bag over her shoulder. find me there and we'll go adventuring.
afterwards, i promise: i'll treat to a delicious cup of tea.
look for the girl in the blue-and-gray argyle sweater, scarf around her neck and camera bag over her shoulder. find me there and we'll go adventuring.
11.19.2007
tut-tut, it looks like rain
(maybe just maybe thinking of eeyore made me perk up today. just a little. :))
“it's snowing still," said eeyore gloomily.
"so it is."
"and freezing."
"is it?"
"yes," said eeyore. "however," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
a.a. milne
“it's snowing still," said eeyore gloomily.
"so it is."
"and freezing."
"is it?"
"yes," said eeyore. "however," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
a.a. milne
stormy weather
i can’t figure out if it’s a) the dreary fall in the pacific northwest, b) missing my family as they’re all in guatemala together for the thanksgiving holiday, or c) just not feeling very cordial towards my life at the moment… but all i can think about today are those words. words that melted like threads of cotton candy, vaporizing in an instant under a hint of rain. in the end… i’m worse off than if they’d never been spoken. they didn’t mean anything at all to the author and meanwhile, i’d been hanging on every syllable.
and my arms ache, from holding on
enough. my arms and my heart are tired.
and my arms ache, from holding on
enough. my arms and my heart are tired.
11.18.2007
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
it's funny how we try to run from pain.
suffering, more than an ounce of sadness, can creep up on you in a heartbeat and soon we find ourselves looking for something- anything- to get out of that place. sleep it off, drink it off, pretend it away.
however... sometimes we are called to suffer.
sometimes satan wants to lure us out of that place, away from feeling that pain, with promises of an easier fix if we walk away from pressing into God.
i guess you could say i remembered the right perspective after hearing this morning's sermon. you can find it at imagodeicommunity.com if you might be suffering too and want to know what i'm talking about.
it's strange and sounds almost tweaky to people who don't have a relationship with Jesus, but nothing we ever go through is bigger than He is. our refuge, our everpresent help in times of trouble. His name is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are saved. there's beauty found in the places of suffering, a strength that is beyond what we are capable of on our own.
suffering, more than an ounce of sadness, can creep up on you in a heartbeat and soon we find ourselves looking for something- anything- to get out of that place. sleep it off, drink it off, pretend it away.
however... sometimes we are called to suffer.
sometimes satan wants to lure us out of that place, away from feeling that pain, with promises of an easier fix if we walk away from pressing into God.
i guess you could say i remembered the right perspective after hearing this morning's sermon. you can find it at imagodeicommunity.com if you might be suffering too and want to know what i'm talking about.
it's strange and sounds almost tweaky to people who don't have a relationship with Jesus, but nothing we ever go through is bigger than He is. our refuge, our everpresent help in times of trouble. His name is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are saved. there's beauty found in the places of suffering, a strength that is beyond what we are capable of on our own.
11.16.2007
my declaration of twenty-fifthness
a very rainy portland night. i drove to a local coffeeshop to meet my friend chris. over tea, (neither of us ever drink coffee during these regularly scheduled counseling/mentoring/friendship-ings), hashed over some events of the week and the thoughts rolling through my brain. it was good. then i hopped into my black toyota and turned the music up loud while my windshield wipers worked overtime. somehow my car ended up at rimsky's, which was closer to my house than i'd realized. it was the perfect place to sit, think, journal, and read. quirky waitstaff, twinkly and flickering lights, homemade desserts and art projects hanging from... everywhere... that look like they're the result of too many late nights, a few drinks, and silly experimentation. it made for a lovely evening. i'd been thinking about it all day, this upcoming start of my 25th year. i thought about the phrase "quarter life crisis", and how i don't think that's going to happen to me. not because i'm exempt, but because i had that crisis a year ahead of time. :) instead of something crisis-like, who am i at this point, and what do i want to focus on being?
this is (a start).
i'm very different than i was at the start of my 24th year. much has been scraped away and revealed in ways that were and are hard to swallow- yet i'm thankful. in many ways that leaves a blank slate, a true beginning for who i want to be in my adult life. a balance between the extremes of naieve and hardened. more loving, less selfish. appreciative of the journey while still focused on the goal. passionate about things that are actually worth it- truth. justice. mercy. open to situations and people that may be outside of my realm of expectations, while cautious and wise instead of reckless and impulsive. not letting insecurities define how i handle myself or who i become. taking every thought captive to obey Christ. a student in life... not wanting to repeat mistakes or destructive patterns, but taking the time and space needed to really learn. in order to learn, leaving space in my day to "be" instead of always "doing." to listen, and really love people in ways that make them feel loved. to have the grace to keep silent when i should and the courage to speak when i shouldn't. commitment and integrity in situations where it would be easy to flake. allowing the Lord and others into parts of me that are my mess... and at the same time allowing a mess to become my message. choosing to trust God especially when it's the last thing i want to do. crossing more bridges when i come to them- figuratively AND literally. giving thanks instead of complaining. blessing instead of cursing.
25 is "real" grownup time. sure, i could play around with excuses for my choices (or lack thereof) for another couple of years if i wanted to... but what for? life is now, today, not tomorrow when it could potentially be easier. there's such an excitement buzzing around my head in this moment, because an opportunity to choose who i will allow myself to become is a gift. different instead of the same... happy birthday to me.
this is (a start).
i'm very different than i was at the start of my 24th year. much has been scraped away and revealed in ways that were and are hard to swallow- yet i'm thankful. in many ways that leaves a blank slate, a true beginning for who i want to be in my adult life. a balance between the extremes of naieve and hardened. more loving, less selfish. appreciative of the journey while still focused on the goal. passionate about things that are actually worth it- truth. justice. mercy. open to situations and people that may be outside of my realm of expectations, while cautious and wise instead of reckless and impulsive. not letting insecurities define how i handle myself or who i become. taking every thought captive to obey Christ. a student in life... not wanting to repeat mistakes or destructive patterns, but taking the time and space needed to really learn. in order to learn, leaving space in my day to "be" instead of always "doing." to listen, and really love people in ways that make them feel loved. to have the grace to keep silent when i should and the courage to speak when i shouldn't. commitment and integrity in situations where it would be easy to flake. allowing the Lord and others into parts of me that are my mess... and at the same time allowing a mess to become my message. choosing to trust God especially when it's the last thing i want to do. crossing more bridges when i come to them- figuratively AND literally. giving thanks instead of complaining. blessing instead of cursing.
25 is "real" grownup time. sure, i could play around with excuses for my choices (or lack thereof) for another couple of years if i wanted to... but what for? life is now, today, not tomorrow when it could potentially be easier. there's such an excitement buzzing around my head in this moment, because an opportunity to choose who i will allow myself to become is a gift. different instead of the same... happy birthday to me.
11.14.2007
shrinking violets and beautiful people
sometimes i wish i could watch certain parts of life only through my camera lens, so that i could have a legitimate excuse to just watch. i love to “do”, and believe me, i do plenty, but the quiet, more introverted side of me just aches to take a step back from the swirling mass of people and loudness and DOING… and just watch. absorb. be.
today at work i am all dolled up. tailored clothes that fit like a glove. classy colors. lipstick. after being here an hour i’ve already gotten three compliments and while that’s nice, i can’t help but think about those verses in first peter that talk about the value of inner beauty. it’s so easy to only become focused on what we can see.
what would it look like to compliment people on their character instead of only their looks?
in my heart, i want to register more than what meets the eye.
today at work i am all dolled up. tailored clothes that fit like a glove. classy colors. lipstick. after being here an hour i’ve already gotten three compliments and while that’s nice, i can’t help but think about those verses in first peter that talk about the value of inner beauty. it’s so easy to only become focused on what we can see.
what would it look like to compliment people on their character instead of only their looks?
in my heart, i want to register more than what meets the eye.
11.08.2007
no stars or dots
today was junk.
by mid-afternoon, i had come to the very logical conclusion that yes, i am dead on the inside. right before leaving work i opened my email to find one from my mom. she closed the letter with the none-to-subtle, "have you read your bible yet? if not, read psalm 20. it's what i've been praying for all of us today."
okay, mom. but it's hard to read your bible when you're dead on the inside.
on the way home i stop by a favorite cafe and pick up a piece of vegan mocha ganache cake. night of depressive indulgence, (round two), coming right up. before i turn on some meaningless television so i can lose myself in other people's fantasy lives, i pull the little gray bible out of my bag. psalm 20. read it. okay, it's good. i keep going. backwards. psalm 19. i stop and re-read about a dozen times when i hit this part right here:
the law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. the testimony of the LORD is right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether... by them is your servant warned; in keeping them is great reward. who can discern his errors? declare me innocent from hidden faults. keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me!
okay, maybe i'm a little less dead. but i still hate my life.
i mope around abit with my ganache and a local brew until i feel full and pour the rest down the drain. my sweet roommate comes home and asks me what is wrong. i start to tell her, and then (completely unlike myself) end up saying that i don't want to talk about it. seriously. i'll just become a sniffling mess. she says okay, gives me a hug, and looks up a ricky martin song that she remembers being good. i say there is no such song. i am right. ricky martin leads to william hung on itunes. we laugh. that's just kind of how we are.
she helps me hang the newly framed poster of my favorite band. karin and linford both look exquisite in this photograph, full of mystery and old-world artsyness. she senses i am still out of it, and says that she knows what i need. we go into her bedroom and she pulls a max lucado children's book from the shelf. she orders me to sit still for a minute and look at the pictures while she reads, so we settle in and learn all about wemmicks. they keep placing silly judgments on each other's value. stars and dots, stars and dots. by the end of the story i understand the moral and maybe also understand what i need just a little bit more.
maybe i'm not dead on the inside. (not yet).
maybe... it's just a little cold in there. i think i need to take some time to sit by the Master in order to thaw out.
by mid-afternoon, i had come to the very logical conclusion that yes, i am dead on the inside. right before leaving work i opened my email to find one from my mom. she closed the letter with the none-to-subtle, "have you read your bible yet? if not, read psalm 20. it's what i've been praying for all of us today."
okay, mom. but it's hard to read your bible when you're dead on the inside.
on the way home i stop by a favorite cafe and pick up a piece of vegan mocha ganache cake. night of depressive indulgence, (round two), coming right up. before i turn on some meaningless television so i can lose myself in other people's fantasy lives, i pull the little gray bible out of my bag. psalm 20. read it. okay, it's good. i keep going. backwards. psalm 19. i stop and re-read about a dozen times when i hit this part right here:
the law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. the testimony of the LORD is right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether... by them is your servant warned; in keeping them is great reward. who can discern his errors? declare me innocent from hidden faults. keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me!
okay, maybe i'm a little less dead. but i still hate my life.
i mope around abit with my ganache and a local brew until i feel full and pour the rest down the drain. my sweet roommate comes home and asks me what is wrong. i start to tell her, and then (completely unlike myself) end up saying that i don't want to talk about it. seriously. i'll just become a sniffling mess. she says okay, gives me a hug, and looks up a ricky martin song that she remembers being good. i say there is no such song. i am right. ricky martin leads to william hung on itunes. we laugh. that's just kind of how we are.
she helps me hang the newly framed poster of my favorite band. karin and linford both look exquisite in this photograph, full of mystery and old-world artsyness. she senses i am still out of it, and says that she knows what i need. we go into her bedroom and she pulls a max lucado children's book from the shelf. she orders me to sit still for a minute and look at the pictures while she reads, so we settle in and learn all about wemmicks. they keep placing silly judgments on each other's value. stars and dots, stars and dots. by the end of the story i understand the moral and maybe also understand what i need just a little bit more.
maybe i'm not dead on the inside. (not yet).
maybe... it's just a little cold in there. i think i need to take some time to sit by the Master in order to thaw out.
11.07.2007
11.05.2007
complaining
darn you, daylight savings. it's 4:41pm, i'm still in the office, and now it's almost dark. you are stinky like 3-cheese-and-garlic pizza breath on a fat old man.
i'm glad we're okay even though we're not "ok"
this weekend was pretty dang eventful.
1) my one and only baby sister got engaged on friday night. it's an event she knew was on its way, but for multiple reasons had been delayed a few times and she was struggling with being patient. :) however, fiiiinally, her now-fiance jordan popped the question at a very nice restaurant on his birthday this past weekend. i'm so thankful that it's a situation where i can be really, genuinely happy for her... because i love her more than anybody else in the whole wide world and i'd be pretty awfully overprotective if she wanted to marry a scumbag. :) however, he's not a scumbag, and i'm looking forward to getting to know him better when i go visit new york over christmas. i've never had a brother!
sidenote, this union (and possible future children) really takes the pressure off me to produce grandchildren. i'm not gonna lie, it's a good thing. ::grin::
2) my roommate sarah and i drove to seattle for the day on saturday and had a great time bombing around town. there were no "events" to speak of, just wandering around and enjoying different parts of the city. she spent almost 2 years going to school up there, and it was nice to be wandering with someone who knew what she was doing.
3) i have the sweetest dad. it's strange, my dad and i weren't really close at all when i was growing up, but God has restored a lot between us and i love the ways he looks to take care of me, even as a grown woman. i was on the phone with him on my way into work, and he asked if it was difficult that my (much) younger sister was going to marry before i was. c'mon; how sweet and considerate is that?! i assured him that i'm not at all hurt/envious/etc. and have never been the type to be that way- whenever friends (and now my sister) find happiness in relationships and marriage, i'm sincerely thrilled for them. that is that. :)
4) tonight, i'm going to start to write a letter. it's been a long time coming, but i need to buckle down and make it happen... for my own peace of mind.
11.02.2007
a personal favorite
"to choose a spouse, find someone who is flawlessly kind but has an incredibly strong backbone. see also: marry him only if you will be proud when your child turns out just like him."
found originally on mightygirl
found originally on mightygirl
11.01.2007
one
con: i used to have plans for tonight, but now i have nothing to do.
pro: i used to have plans for tonight, but now i have nothing to do!
mixed emotions? really? no, not really. :)
pro: i used to have plans for tonight, but now i have nothing to do!
mixed emotions? really? no, not really. :)
10.30.2007
2007, i dub thee, "year of the breakup"
anyone that has known me for at least five years knows that (as a rule) i don't date much. my first serious relationship was a little over two years ago, but since that time i haven't been single for long. in the 10 months that have passed in 2007, i've been one-half of three breakups. although that isn't "too much" for some people, i am on overload and have about had it with all of dis crapola. seeeeeriously. while i do want to be married and have babies, (and never EVER pictured myself still being single by my mid-twenties), i'm starting to get the hint. this is not what i need to be focusing on right now. as a quick recap, in order of which they occured, here's a quick description of the 3 failures (successes?):
Guy #1) deceptive and disastrous, i try to forget.
Guy #2) more of a rebound than i'd like to admit.
Guy #3) (thankfully) this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
the funny thing is, i'm happy with my life. i like it. there's no void i'm trying to fill, nothing is missing. i'm growing and learning... i have much farther to go. don't get me wrong, i really want to "do life" with somebody else. however, i want to trust God more than i want to have and to hold from this day forward. we only see a dim reflection of what the bigger picture will oneday be. if God says no (for now or forever), that's okay. i'll wait.
Guy #1) deceptive and disastrous, i try to forget.
Guy #2) more of a rebound than i'd like to admit.
Guy #3) (thankfully) this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
the funny thing is, i'm happy with my life. i like it. there's no void i'm trying to fill, nothing is missing. i'm growing and learning... i have much farther to go. don't get me wrong, i really want to "do life" with somebody else. however, i want to trust God more than i want to have and to hold from this day forward. we only see a dim reflection of what the bigger picture will oneday be. if God says no (for now or forever), that's okay. i'll wait.
10.24.2007
(don't) stop the madness
normal people can't seem to make sense of the mad ones. they look over, and with a concerned tone and a furrowed brow, make pleasant suggestions which are more within the bounds of traditional american life. they speak of things like "a phase", as though someone who is mad by kerouac's standards could just be going through a passionately nontraditional period. a disease, a cancer to be cured. they look at a person like chris mccandless and call him a stupid boy to have been so unprepared and later died as a result. they won't understand this, but were he alive to defend his choices, he probably wouldn't want to live any other way.
sparkly, exploding, breath-catching-in-your-throat fireworks don't often burn for very long periods of time. however, eighty "safe" years on earth is a cheap substitute for truly living out who you were created to be.
10.23.2007
when your mind's made up
sometimes in life,
there are things bigger than you and me.
emotions felt: sad, scared, confused, drained... yet hopeful.
he asked me a question: "what is the one thing you're most looking forward to in the future?"
"the unknown," i answered.
nothing could be more true.
there are things bigger than you and me.
emotions felt: sad, scared, confused, drained... yet hopeful.
he asked me a question: "what is the one thing you're most looking forward to in the future?"
"the unknown," i answered.
nothing could be more true.
10.18.2007
leave me alone?
there are some days (like today) when i think about the days past when i thought the best.
lol. are ya' tracking with me? :)
i read this photographer's blog once where she said something about struggling with capturing a specific moment because the surroundings were so incredibly chaotic and crazy; she was overstimulated and couldn't think clearly enough to frame the picture she wanted to capture. what she said made so much sense to me because i am the same way in photography. today i was realizing the same can be said about my brain, my life.
simplicity is so difficult to achieve, especially with the life i lead right now. almost every moment is filled and scheduled, yet still there are things that never get done. i feel as though i was made for something other than this. right now, as is, my mind's a blank.
lol. are ya' tracking with me? :)
i read this photographer's blog once where she said something about struggling with capturing a specific moment because the surroundings were so incredibly chaotic and crazy; she was overstimulated and couldn't think clearly enough to frame the picture she wanted to capture. what she said made so much sense to me because i am the same way in photography. today i was realizing the same can be said about my brain, my life.
simplicity is so difficult to achieve, especially with the life i lead right now. almost every moment is filled and scheduled, yet still there are things that never get done. i feel as though i was made for something other than this. right now, as is, my mind's a blank.
10.17.2007
i eat doritos in the morning
yeah, i know. that's mildly weird. :)
in other news, i think this year holds a new record for me. i started listening to christmas music on september 15th instead of waiting until halloween. i know most don't pull it out until after thanksgiving, but a month is just not long enough!
work is busy. life is busy.
in other news, i think this year holds a new record for me. i started listening to christmas music on september 15th instead of waiting until halloween. i know most don't pull it out until after thanksgiving, but a month is just not long enough!
work is busy. life is busy.
10.15.2007
world views
i saw the darjeeling limited this past weekend. it was delish. the sibling relationships in this movie made me grin. i'm slightly ashamed to admit- if my sister were to have the patience to watch a wes anderson film, she’d pick owen wilson’s character as (at times) a dead ringer for the kind of overly ::coughcough::involvedprotectivecontrolling oldest sibling that i can be. :) it was really funny. i swear, the passports would just be safer if i held them all. ha.
anywho, besides the charming characters and typical wes anderson quirkiness, i watched the film and absolutely wished i were in india. now. tomorrow. yesterday. i want to see, smell, feel. it made me think of this hannah girl who i call friend. what is she doing today?
overall the past three days were both amazing and awful. i’m currently caught between dreams (of places and people that i do not know) and fears (that i may lose something pretty one-of-a-kind). i can’t decide if i’ll make a decision, and i’d really rather think about something else.
anywho, besides the charming characters and typical wes anderson quirkiness, i watched the film and absolutely wished i were in india. now. tomorrow. yesterday. i want to see, smell, feel. it made me think of this hannah girl who i call friend. what is she doing today?
overall the past three days were both amazing and awful. i’m currently caught between dreams (of places and people that i do not know) and fears (that i may lose something pretty one-of-a-kind). i can’t decide if i’ll make a decision, and i’d really rather think about something else.
10.12.2007
"counseling" with chris
"the wise man learns from other's mistakes, the smart man from his own, and the fool just never learns."
chris f.'s brother
chris f.'s brother
why
short version: i miss writing.
a little bit longer: i used to blog, quite a bit actually. before the days of myspace and facebook, i used a livejournal account. later i set up a blog on myspace and used that as the main medium in which to wear my heart on the internet's sleeve.
however.
from time to time i'd look back on what i'd written and get really irritated at myself for a) grammatical errors b) repetative themes or c) mistakes i'd made and then documented for everyone else to see. ha ha. i fear a chronic case of open mouth, insert foot will plague me forever. :)
after those particular re-reading sessions where i'd start out feeling nostalgic and end up self-critical, the writing would stop for awhile or at times i'd go through and delete the whole shebang, pretending that if i couldn't see it anymore it must have never exsisted in the first place.
last night a wonderful man began teaching me the basic elements of blues dancing, and each time i wouldn't quite catch on to a step or a twirl, my feelings were that of intense frustration because i didn't do it all perfectly the first time.
it is silly- (and to add in this disclaimer: i'm not a perfectionist about everything) i am a lot harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. as i begin putting thoughts out there in this space, i will try to take my writing with a grain of salt and i hope that you, dear reader, will do the same.
i am just a girl, prone to wandering and happy for the freedom to do so.
a little bit longer: i used to blog, quite a bit actually. before the days of myspace and facebook, i used a livejournal account. later i set up a blog on myspace and used that as the main medium in which to wear my heart on the internet's sleeve.
however.
from time to time i'd look back on what i'd written and get really irritated at myself for a) grammatical errors b) repetative themes or c) mistakes i'd made and then documented for everyone else to see. ha ha. i fear a chronic case of open mouth, insert foot will plague me forever. :)
after those particular re-reading sessions where i'd start out feeling nostalgic and end up self-critical, the writing would stop for awhile or at times i'd go through and delete the whole shebang, pretending that if i couldn't see it anymore it must have never exsisted in the first place.
last night a wonderful man began teaching me the basic elements of blues dancing, and each time i wouldn't quite catch on to a step or a twirl, my feelings were that of intense frustration because i didn't do it all perfectly the first time.
it is silly- (and to add in this disclaimer: i'm not a perfectionist about everything) i am a lot harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. as i begin putting thoughts out there in this space, i will try to take my writing with a grain of salt and i hope that you, dear reader, will do the same.
i am just a girl, prone to wandering and happy for the freedom to do so.
10.11.2007
i guess this is what i mean
"that wondrous second wind, the indian summer, attains its amplitude and heavenly perfection- the temperatures, the sunny haze; the mellow, rich, delicate, almost flavoured air: enough to live- enough to merely be."
walt whitman
walt whitman
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