2007, i dub thee, "year of the breakup"

anyone that has known me for at least five years knows that (as a rule) i don't date much. my first serious relationship was a little over two years ago, but since that time i haven't been single for long. in the 10 months that have passed in 2007, i've been one-half of three breakups. although that isn't "too much" for some people, i am on overload and have about had it with all of dis crapola. seeeeeriously. while i do want to be married and have babies, (and never EVER pictured myself still being single by my mid-twenties), i'm starting to get the hint. this is not what i need to be focusing on right now. as a quick recap, in order of which they occured, here's a quick description of the 3 failures (successes?):

Guy #1) deceptive and disastrous, i try to forget.

Guy #2) more of a rebound than i'd like to admit.

Guy #3) (thankfully) this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

the funny thing is, i'm happy with my life. i like it. there's no void i'm trying to fill, nothing is missing. i'm growing and learning... i have much farther to go. don't get me wrong, i really want to "do life" with somebody else. however, i want to trust God more than i want to have and to hold from this day forward. we only see a dim reflection of what the bigger picture will oneday be. if God says no (for now or forever), that's okay. i'll wait.

(don't) stop the madness

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."-jack kerouac

normal people can't seem to make sense of the mad ones. they look over, and with a concerned tone and a furrowed brow, make pleasant suggestions which are more within the bounds of traditional american life. they speak of things like "a phase", as though someone who is mad by kerouac's standards could just be going through a passionately nontraditional period. a disease, a cancer to be cured. they look at a person like chris mccandless and call him a stupid boy to have been so unprepared and later died as a result. they won't understand this, but were he alive to defend his choices, he probably wouldn't want to live any other way.

sparkly, exploding, breath-catching-in-your-throat fireworks don't often burn for very long periods of time. however, eighty "safe" years on earth is a cheap substitute for truly living out who you were created to be.

when your mind's made up

sometimes in life,
there are things bigger than you and me.

emotions felt: sad, scared, confused, drained... yet hopeful.

he asked me a question: "what is the one thing you're most looking forward to in the future?"

"the unknown," i answered.

nothing could be more true.

leave me alone?

there are some days (like today) when i think about the days past when i thought the best.

lol. are ya' tracking with me? :)

i read this photographer's blog once where she said something about struggling with capturing a specific moment because the surroundings were so incredibly chaotic and crazy; she was overstimulated and couldn't think clearly enough to frame the picture she wanted to capture. what she said made so much sense to me because i am the same way in photography. today i was realizing the same can be said about my brain, my life.

simplicity is so difficult to achieve, especially with the life i lead right now. almost every moment is filled and scheduled, yet still there are things that never get done. i feel as though i was made for something other than this. right now, as is, my mind's a blank.

i eat doritos in the morning

yeah, i know. that's mildly weird. :)

in other news, i think this year holds a new record for me. i started listening to christmas music on september 15th instead of waiting until halloween. i know most don't pull it out until after thanksgiving, but a month is just not long enough!

work is busy. life is busy.

world views

i saw the darjeeling limited this past weekend. it was delish. the sibling relationships in this movie made me grin. i'm slightly ashamed to admit- if my sister were to have the patience to watch a wes anderson film, she’d pick owen wilson’s character as (at times) a dead ringer for the kind of overly ::coughcough::involvedprotectivecontrolling oldest sibling that i can be. :) it was really funny. i swear, the passports would just be safer if i held them all. ha.

anywho, besides the charming characters and typical wes anderson quirkiness, i watched the film and absolutely wished i were in india. now. tomorrow. yesterday. i want to see, smell, feel. it made me think of this hannah girl who i call friend. what is she doing today?

overall the past three days were both amazing and awful. i’m currently caught between dreams (of places and people that i do not know) and fears (that i may lose something pretty one-of-a-kind). i can’t decide if i’ll make a decision, and i’d really rather think about something else.

"counseling" with chris

"the wise man learns from other's mistakes, the smart man from his own, and the fool just never learns."
chris f.'s brother

why

short version: i miss writing.

a little bit longer: i used to blog, quite a bit actually. before the days of myspace and facebook, i used a livejournal account. later i set up a blog on myspace and used that as the main medium in which to wear my heart on the internet's sleeve.

however.

from time to time i'd look back on what i'd written and get really irritated at myself for a) grammatical errors b) repetative themes or c) mistakes i'd made and then documented for everyone else to see. ha ha. i fear a chronic case of open mouth, insert foot will plague me forever. :)

after those particular re-reading sessions where i'd start out feeling nostalgic and end up self-critical, the writing would stop for awhile or at times i'd go through and delete the whole shebang, pretending that if i couldn't see it anymore it must have never exsisted in the first place.

last night a wonderful man began teaching me the basic elements of blues dancing, and each time i wouldn't quite catch on to a step or a twirl, my feelings were that of intense frustration because i didn't do it all perfectly the first time.

it is silly- (and to add in this disclaimer: i'm not a perfectionist about everything) i am a lot harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. as i begin putting thoughts out there in this space, i will try to take my writing with a grain of salt and i hope that you, dear reader, will do the same.

i am just a girl, prone to wandering and happy for the freedom to do so.

i guess this is what i mean

"that wondrous second wind, the indian summer, attains its amplitude and heavenly perfection- the temperatures, the sunny haze; the mellow, rich, delicate, almost flavoured air: enough to live- enough to merely be."
walt whitman