my declaration of twenty-fifthness

a very rainy portland night. i drove to a local coffeeshop to meet my friend chris. over tea, (neither of us ever drink coffee during these regularly scheduled counseling/mentoring/friendship-ings), hashed over some events of the week and the thoughts rolling through my brain. it was good. then i hopped into my black toyota and turned the music up loud while my windshield wipers worked overtime. somehow my car ended up at rimsky's, which was closer to my house than i'd realized. it was the perfect place to sit, think, journal, and read. quirky waitstaff, twinkly and flickering lights, homemade desserts and art projects hanging from... everywhere... that look like they're the result of too many late nights, a few drinks, and silly experimentation. it made for a lovely evening. i'd been thinking about it all day, this upcoming start of my 25th year. i thought about the phrase "quarter life crisis", and how i don't think that's going to happen to me. not because i'm exempt, but because i had that crisis a year ahead of time. :) instead of something crisis-like, who am i at this point, and what do i want to focus on being?

this is (a start).

i'm very different than i was at the start of my 24th year. much has been scraped away and revealed in ways that were and are hard to swallow- yet i'm thankful. in many ways that leaves a blank slate, a true beginning for who i want to be in my adult life. a balance between the extremes of naieve and hardened. more loving, less selfish. appreciative of the journey while still focused on the goal. passionate about things that are actually worth it- truth. justice. mercy. open to situations and people that may be outside of my realm of expectations, while cautious and wise instead of reckless and impulsive. not letting insecurities define how i handle myself or who i become. taking every thought captive to obey Christ. a student in life... not wanting to repeat mistakes or destructive patterns, but taking the time and space needed to really learn. in order to learn, leaving space in my day to "be" instead of always "doing." to listen, and really love people in ways that make them feel loved. to have the grace to keep silent when i should and the courage to speak when i shouldn't. commitment and integrity in situations where it would be easy to flake. allowing the Lord and others into parts of me that are my mess... and at the same time allowing a mess to become my message. choosing to trust God especially when it's the last thing i want to do. crossing more bridges when i come to them- figuratively AND literally. giving thanks instead of complaining. blessing instead of cursing.

25 is "real" grownup time. sure, i could play around with excuses for my choices (or lack thereof) for another couple of years if i wanted to... but what for? life is now, today, not tomorrow when it could potentially be easier. there's such an excitement buzzing around my head in this moment, because an opportunity to choose who i will allow myself to become is a gift. different instead of the same... happy birthday to me.