there have been days lately when i've felt abit melancholy. maybe not whole days but parts of days when things or people or holidays or shooting stars or bob dylan lines remind me of you. deep down i know it's best that we're not where we were, but at the same time there have only been two people i've had this weird experience with, of being so close to, so trusting of, and so "right" alongside. the first one, back in highschool, was a good friend and he never knew, we never crossed that friendship line, but you definitely did. you had my whole being right in the palm of your hand. looking back, now i know that much trust was probably unwise of me to give. i wish i had more courage to say and be even more myself when we were what we were. i didn't want to rush things or pressure you, but then again, even from day one i had a premonition of sorts that i'd lose you and was scared to do or say something to drive you away. it's easy for me to blame myself for everything even though logically i know it's not my fault.
i'm a great car dancer these days, you'd be proud. i break it down like it's 1999 without exception. i wish we could bomb around this town with no cares and a world of adventure ahead, and i wonder what it would've been like if i had said "yes" instead of a firm "no" earlier this past summer. there are different types of loves in life, and i just don't know how to label you or make you realize how special you were. are. once we talked about your belief that there is no right "one", as long as basic beliefs and such line up with a member of the opposite sex, you could marry anyone and be perfectly happy. at the time i agreed with you, but now i'm not so sure. loving you has taken a part of me with you, oh so far away, and i'm not sure i'll be able to love like that again. i hope that a wonderful man oneday proves me wrong, but so many months later i still found myself watching the vermont scenery zip by on a cold december evening and turned my head away so that no one else would see the tears for you that i couldn't contain as they slowly escaped and ran down my face.
it's amazing to realize the power to change so many lives stemming from one choice on an early december night. this is all a bunch of nonsense and i'm not expecting these words to do a thing, they're just words and you are a mystery, far away and otherwise attached. i'm anxious for a fresh start and a new year, because even though a day doesn't really make a difference, 2008 has no attachment to you at all, and i need a year without you in it.
12.27.2007
12.18.2007
goodbye, hello
to sum up 2007: lesson learned.
welcome, 2008. you seem like you will be a fine year- i hope to do you justice.
oregon weather at christmastime is touchy and tempermental, like a woman who gravitates towards the prerogative to change her mind. maybe it's because i am such a woman that i can appreciate the indecisiveness. :) all day it's been pouring buckets followed by dashes of sunlight, then clouds, then drips, finally a little blue sky. however, i love the unpredictability and the change. it's a small spot of adventure for this heart who longs to see more than the four walls of an office. what would i do without my window to watch the weather and the time pass by?
inbetween the raindrops, christmas lights sparkle around house trim and front yards and green trees found in living rooms… pretty much any surface that is deemed decoratable. days are merry and bright, and even the most scrooge-like people i know have something to smile about. christmas is full of secrets and wishes and promise. my family will be together again, and i'll do my best to make six days seem longer than they actually are. do you hear what i hear? a small vacation, time on the east coast, mom's homemade cinnamon rolls and time with a new brother-in-law. that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
welcome, 2008. you seem like you will be a fine year- i hope to do you justice.
oregon weather at christmastime is touchy and tempermental, like a woman who gravitates towards the prerogative to change her mind. maybe it's because i am such a woman that i can appreciate the indecisiveness. :) all day it's been pouring buckets followed by dashes of sunlight, then clouds, then drips, finally a little blue sky. however, i love the unpredictability and the change. it's a small spot of adventure for this heart who longs to see more than the four walls of an office. what would i do without my window to watch the weather and the time pass by?
inbetween the raindrops, christmas lights sparkle around house trim and front yards and green trees found in living rooms… pretty much any surface that is deemed decoratable. days are merry and bright, and even the most scrooge-like people i know have something to smile about. christmas is full of secrets and wishes and promise. my family will be together again, and i'll do my best to make six days seem longer than they actually are. do you hear what i hear? a small vacation, time on the east coast, mom's homemade cinnamon rolls and time with a new brother-in-law. that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
12.12.2007
mishmash
on the way home, i made a quasi-impulsive choice to stop at new seasons (a local grocery chain) and pick up a vegan cupcake. this decision only qualifies as "quasi-impulsive" because i'd been mulling it over all night and really only pretended that it was not my plan all along. :) as i was wandering through this store, full of normal food types of things PLUS the not-normal, quirky and artsy portland-esque randomness, i thought about how i wish i had more money to buy some of this stuff. i'm certainly not destitute, but there are times when i feel slightly poor while living in this amazing city which offers all these beautiful things to be purchased and worn and played with.
then i thought about a friend, who earlier tonight talked about HIS friend (who happens to be a pretty well-known writer), and how the well-known guy was saying that writing just hasn't been that easy since he got to be not-poor.
which made me glad that i was still poor. and also reminded me of the fact that i don't think i could do a good job with lots of money. which made me hope to always be poor.
to me, having lots of money and doing a good job with it would mean giving most of it away. i mean, seriously. what if you made six figures and CHOSE to live off of $35,000? in most places, that's plenty. think of how much you could give away to people who didn't have a place to sleep or clean clothes to wear or food to eat. however, i don't really trust myself and so i hope the Lord will keep me not in abundance of money because i'd be quite tempted to live comfortably and forget about those who are not.
other thoughts that i'm brainstorming over and have been all day: many people in other parts of the world have ONE meal a day. most of us get three. what if we somehow shared so that everybody got two? there are ways this could be done and i'm just storming and storming and mulling some more. pipe up if you have any good input.
then i thought about a friend, who earlier tonight talked about HIS friend (who happens to be a pretty well-known writer), and how the well-known guy was saying that writing just hasn't been that easy since he got to be not-poor.
which made me glad that i was still poor. and also reminded me of the fact that i don't think i could do a good job with lots of money. which made me hope to always be poor.
to me, having lots of money and doing a good job with it would mean giving most of it away. i mean, seriously. what if you made six figures and CHOSE to live off of $35,000? in most places, that's plenty. think of how much you could give away to people who didn't have a place to sleep or clean clothes to wear or food to eat. however, i don't really trust myself and so i hope the Lord will keep me not in abundance of money because i'd be quite tempted to live comfortably and forget about those who are not.
other thoughts that i'm brainstorming over and have been all day: many people in other parts of the world have ONE meal a day. most of us get three. what if we somehow shared so that everybody got two? there are ways this could be done and i'm just storming and storming and mulling some more. pipe up if you have any good input.
12.06.2007
tea for one, and one for tea
when it comes to finding the right mug, fit is everything. i sit at my desk (aka “cube jail”) and stop working for half a moment. my left hand wraps around this mug and slips under the handle, while the right hand holds closer to the base. fingertips touching, just fingertips- it’s too hot still for palms. every few seconds i dare the face of my hand closer and closer until it’s painful, then inch away again. warmth. wonderful warmth. elbows bent, i draw the tea up to my face and breathe. mmmmmm. coffee always smells better than it tastes, but tea? tea is rarely a letdown. two fingers play with the tag as i draw the mug closer towards me. this mug truly is a work of art, for it has a little lip that fits perfectly right above mine. i breathe out, and then skim the top so that a little sip slides right down and warms me all the way through. “what caveman genius in his cave thought of this?” i wonder to myself. whoever he might be, i’d like to shake his hand.
12.05.2007
love is not a vict'ry march
...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.
oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.
no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.
what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.
hallelujah.
if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.
oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.
no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.
what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.
hallelujah.
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