scrub away all these thoughts that i think (of you)

there have been days lately when i've felt abit melancholy. maybe not whole days but parts of days when things or people or holidays or shooting stars or bob dylan lines remind me of you. deep down i know it's best that we're not where we were, but at the same time there have only been two people i've had this weird experience with, of being so close to, so trusting of, and so "right" alongside. the first one, back in highschool, was a good friend and he never knew, we never crossed that friendship line, but you definitely did. you had my whole being right in the palm of your hand. looking back, now i know that much trust was probably unwise of me to give. i wish i had more courage to say and be even more myself when we were what we were. i didn't want to rush things or pressure you, but then again, even from day one i had a premonition of sorts that i'd lose you and was scared to do or say something to drive you away. it's easy for me to blame myself for everything even though logically i know it's not my fault.

i'm a great car dancer these days, you'd be proud. i break it down like it's 1999 without exception. i wish we could bomb around this town with no cares and a world of adventure ahead, and i wonder what it would've been like if i had said "yes" instead of a firm "no" earlier this past summer. there are different types of loves in life, and i just don't know how to label you or make you realize how special you were. are. once we talked about your belief that there is no right "one", as long as basic beliefs and such line up with a member of the opposite sex, you could marry anyone and be perfectly happy. at the time i agreed with you, but now i'm not so sure. loving you has taken a part of me with you, oh so far away, and i'm not sure i'll be able to love like that again. i hope that a wonderful man oneday proves me wrong, but so many months later i still found myself watching the vermont scenery zip by on a cold december evening and turned my head away so that no one else would see the tears for you that i couldn't contain as they slowly escaped and ran down my face.

it's amazing to realize the power to change so many lives stemming from one choice on an early december night. this is all a bunch of nonsense and i'm not expecting these words to do a thing, they're just words and you are a mystery, far away and otherwise attached. i'm anxious for a fresh start and a new year, because even though a day doesn't really make a difference, 2008 has no attachment to you at all, and i need a year without you in it.