love is not a vict'ry march

...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.

oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.

no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.

what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.

hallelujah.