where the wild things are

hi there. :)

so, i used to write here.

i used to write thoughts and hopes and dreams and all kinds of nonsense and most of it was pretty emo. before here, i used to write in other places.

i don't write much anymore. and i can't figure out if that's a pro or a con.

:) probably neither. if you used to come here to read, i'm flattered. thanks. it's simply not the best way to keep up on my life anymore. 2008 brought SO many ridiculous, life-altering changes and in the end i am happier. more at peace. even, dare i say, the best i've ever been. there are good things going on in my life and the hard things have made me stronger. God is gracious and blesses me even when i have a history of baggage and mistakes. brokenness i swore i'd never get over is somehow a lot more healed than it used to be. and i'm happy. :)

i just thought i'd let you know. maybe i'll come back to this someday, maybe not. either way, who cares? life is for living, not writing about.

the ball, it is rolling.

after a lot of

"you should charge for this!"

and

"have you ever thought of doing photography as a business??"

i'm finally getting it off the ground.

(here's a link if anybody's interested.)

(nancynoble).photography

in this situation... what is my best?

okay.

so you may have picked up on a little frustration in my last post.

yeah.

and maybe even some despair.

sure, i'll own that.

but something i realized today, after a no-good, very bad, horrible day of doubt and tears is this:

i may not know much, or how i am gonna get there, but i serve a very powerful God.

what is impossible for Him?

nothing.

what do i need to do in the meantime, even in the unknowing?

my best.

i can do that.

i know where i lack discipline, strength, a good attitude.

i have the power to change all that.

no matter what, i can and should do my best... and leave the rest in God's hands.

kind of tired.

long story short:

life doesn't turn out the way you plan.

hahahahahaha. yup.

for now, i am in new york. tonight is the last night alone in my apartment, my beautiful, wood-floored, perfect-for-one, high ceiling-ed, built-in-bookshelfed apartment. as i packed up the remnants of stuff, i realized how much i want to get rid of it, all of it. i actually really do. if i were moving all this crap with someone else it might have more meaning, but (sounding pathetic, warning, warning) moving it all just for me and completely alone feels rather hollow and empty. like, if i'm going to be single why am i not running around having insane adventures? why am i instead married to/trapped by all this "stuff"?!

end pathetic rant.

anyhow, i am picking up the pieces and attempting to figure out what in the world comes next. the Lord has been so so so good to me in providing for my needs so far, but i confess it's still difficult not to be stressed by whatever is next.

so i'll just do my best and keep on taking one day at a time.

even though it hasn't been fun necessarily and at times i wish for being back where i was, i am thankful and know that i had to try or i'd never be satisfied with the "what-if"'s. i wouldn't. for better or worse, that is just how i am. so now i just deal with the days and feel relieved that maybe, just maybe, there are things beyond my understanding.

what's the worst that can happen?

i've been trying hard.

damn hard.

and still... this one thing isn't working out too well for me.

this one, kind of "big deal" kind of thing.

ummmmma ummmmmma ummmmmma umm.

last night in talking with someone about this topic, i asked for prayers about today's exam.

i told him, "it's not like i'm afraid to fail at this thing... i just have to survive, for at least a year."

well, guess what i figured out?

i think i am afraid to fail.

i've had people left and right telling me, "you'll be great at no matter what you do!" and "you're so smart, you're so _____! you're so ____!"

ha. well, guess what. some days, i'm not. and maybe i'll fail. that's looking like a distinct possibility.

maybe by some miracle i won't :)

but if i do, what's the worst that can happen?

let me tell you.

i take my kitty

pack my bags

and forgetaboutit.

moving was still a good choice, this i know.

and as to all the other details, God will take care of me. His ways are not my ways.

//from yesterday

as i watch the sunset out my back window, i realize the days are long and already i'm thinking of how quickly that will end... oh, pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex, you never completely leave me alone. :)

tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.

right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.

true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.

i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.

well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.

there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)

my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.

maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.

surprise!

of this i am sure, now more than ever: i have no idea what i want.

if you need me in the next three years, i'll be in a dark and hidden hole. sleeping it (my life) off. call me when it's over and i have choices again.

also: a list of negativity. just because. a) i am really fantastic at doing things which make absolutely no money. b) or maybe if i knew how to market these skills better i'd somehow be able to make a living doing these things which don't zap me of my will to live. c) i hate money and currently hate making a living, and this has nothing to do with avoiding responsibility or not wanting to grow up. d) sorry for complaining. i just had to say it outloud to feel like it (my life) was somehow a bit more palatable. e) don't worry. nothing's REALLY wrong.

not forgotten.

hello from the east side!

there have been many thoughts about picking up here again. but as of late, i've been busy transitioning. :)

for a quick kind of update: life is very different, but good. and i know this is where i should be, and that's a good feeling because i hadn't felt that way in portland for quite some time.

here's a shout out of pros and cons for my new town:

PROS
.quiet/peaceful.
.awesome sunsets from my window.
.smalltown charm.
.sunny weather.
.cheap living.
.close to my family, but not too close. (heh :))
.quirky.
.challenging.

CONS
.lots of cows.
.smalltown charm.

see? the pros far outweigh the cons. :) life is going well, very well. i feel hemmed in, which is a nice way to feel. that could come across many ways to many different people, but all you need to know is this: the past two years has been a little nutso, and it feels fine to simmah down now.

...

i do okay most of the time,

but reading those words you wrote can still make me cry.

darn you, information age. i want to forget how i loved. there's not a lot of love i'd like to forget, but that is one that has come and gone and still feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

i think all this transition is bringing a lot of emotion to the surface... i will be happy to be on my way.

hardest part

do i only write here when i'm bummed?!

haha.

will work on that in the future.

but for now-

slight rant.

i don't mind being single, it's honestly going really well.

i need it right now. i need to figure a few things out. try to get myself squared away and okay so i don't repeat some of the same mistakes and/or make permanent ones.

so, single is good.

the only part i hate (really hate)

is watching everyone else go home together

while i go home alone.

yeah, that sucks.

it just feels significant

... and lonely.

(slightly) discouraged

so... i'm having a great time.

my friend heather is in from mississippi, and we're going to take a rockin' roadtrip this weekend down to see the redwoods. pictures to come, i'm sure.

however (and this is the short version) i'm feeling kinda crappy right now. while packing and re-packing some of my junk tonight, i came across my old journals. for kicks, i read some of the pages... i used to journal constantly, almost daily, and i haven't barely at all since february of last year.

it was hard, reading this stuff from just 2 years ago. 2 years- but it feels like a lifetime. i was so delusional, and that's hard to realize how far off my perception was from reality. gosh. i feel like a baby, like i'm just starting out right at this very moment, and while that's refreshing in one sense, it's also discouraging because there was just SO MUCH.

anywho. trying to not get too lost in my thoughts. i just wish it had been different.

drat (kinda)

why do things always seem like they're about to get perfect right as i'm about to leave?

resident of oregon for a limited time only.

4 (ish) weeks left.

wherever you go, there you are

i am in upstate ny right now, at my parent's house, wishing for a nap but working on my sister's wedding details instead. this is how i picture the next week playing out:

monday: stuff related to the wedding
tuesday: stuff related to the wedding
wednesday: stuff related to the wedding
thursday: got any guesses?

..hahaha. um, yeah. anyhow. happy easter! this morning i worshiped at my old home church and it was amazing to be there, with those people, singing praises to God for what He has done as one voice. it felt like family.

finally, i'm learning to grow in ways i've been hindered, and make decisions for the right reason. i need lots of prayer for discernment this week about something i can't talk about now but will in the future.

it's a surreal thing, coming here to watch my baby sister get married and start a family of her own. her happiness becomes my happiness when i see the two of them together- they're so excited to be married. i'll tell you all about it later.

addendum

so, i was kind of halfway getting ready for bed, and why i say halfway is for when i reach a point past tired, there is no point in sleep anymore. i washed my face and took off the day's makeup; got into a favorite grey hoodie and soft navy blue pajama pants, and proceeded to use up the last of my favorite teabags and zap-fry a little leftover garlic couscous. it was pretty delish, i'm not gonna lie.

as i was halfway doing all these things i started to think about the last entry i blurted out on this space. and then i got to realizing how cliche it could sound, especially all the God talk. here's the thing though: i mean it from the most sincere, least cliche-filled space in my being. i know what it is to live a life walking with God daily and pursuing Him most, and right now i'm just not doing that. there's a void. not to mention all these strange identity-things have been recently stripped away, and heck yes that affects my spirituality. plus my brain is still struggling to wrap around events that my heart still can not. i know i so often sound melodramatic and overly complicated, but it is what it is. my brain is too simple to make sense of what my heart is being forced to digest. some of it; all of it. i was not made for a life like this and i can not rest in ignorance although some say it is bliss. my wheels never stop turning, and i will not be satisfied until something makes sense. since most of it won't; and that's something i can count on, i put my hope in nothing less than Jesus Christ and righteousness. however... if i am not putting in the time, the effort, the willingness to be following Him, where does that leave me? with questions, with loss, with confusion, with anger, with unforgiveness. yes i struggle with unforgiveness. i just confessed that to God, too. it comes in waves, but it's one of the ugly parts of me lurking just below the surface. i forgive and then this uglyness burps back up to the surface again, along with the struggles that i do not understand.

one of the hardest things for me is attempting to make sense of where i am and how i got here. where i am isn't bad; i've had so many amazing experiences and have been blessed enough with circumstances and friends and family that have brought me this far. but there are other aspects of life or WHATEVER that i feel- no, i know- i am missing out on and i do not know how to get there. i can smell these things at times, their comfort and quiet is almost within reach... but not yet. maybe it's a case of "grass is always greener", but then again, i know myself all too well. i know how lazy i can be (see above) and i know that i am an awfully slow learner. it takes me forever to listen to what God's been trying to teach me all along, so it would make sense that in some areas i'm a little behind the times. i'm not ready for those things yet.

ramble, ramble, ramble. i'll probably re-read this in the morning and question what the heck i was thinking in saying all of this out loud to more than just my leather-bound journal, i realize it sounds scattered and slightly loopy. maybe i'm putting it out here for honesty; maybe for accountability; maybe vulnerability (which is definitely something i struggle with). probably all three mooshed together and spit back out again.

something that makes sense to me, more sense than a lot of things right now are these words:



we are all hunters
hunting for something
that will make us okay...

we are made of love
all the beauty stemming from
we are made of love
and every fracture
caused by the lack of it (sleeping at last)



maybe someday, oneday will be here... and now won't be such a waiting game.

okay

that was a cop-out entry. i thought i would be able to write and then i found myself here on my living room couch at one in the morning, stuck and without words. now i'm still kind of stuck but cop-outs are lame. no mas.

so here's a good thing: i got a new camera. it's lovely and charming and brilliant.

here's a not as good a thing: i'm attempting less fillers in my life. not on purpose, i think it's a God thing. but without the fillers, there are spots in my life that ache, and spots that just feel slightly alone. it's kind of painful and i'm tired of being in a painful spot. i want heaven; i want home.

here's another good thing: i go back from whence i came in t-minus 6 days! hurrah, vaca! hurrah, time with fam and friends! hurrah sister's wedding and all that jazz! hurrah.

here's not as good a thing: some things/people/crutches have been taken away (as previously mentioned) but i am failing to fill those spots with time with the Lord. i don't know what's my problem, honestly. i really and truly have been mostly ignoring God and He is right there, always, waiting for my unfaithful heart to come back to true love. why do i find people and netflix and computers and room-cleaning more fascinating than getting closer to God? i'm pretty mad at myself when i really think about it. that's stupid.

here's one last good thing: today, someone told me that i was missed like roger clemens misses steroids. i cracked up. funny, tongue-in-cheek sports analogies? ah-mazing.

'night.

i don't know how to explain, really

it's just complicated.

blood is thicker than water

(see above)

that's not always true.

alternating between excited and deer-in-headlights

i can tell the idea is worthwhile because a) it’s a risk and b) it’s pretty frightening, in a “get-the-heck-outta-yer-comfort-zones, missy” kind of way.

home

“nan. nanny. wake. up.” “ughhhh” i say in protest, but somehow my eager-beaver of a best friend interprets my barely-intelligible noise as a yes. “get up!” she enthusiastically whispers, “if you don’t hustle, we’re going to miss it!” somehow i grasp around in the dark and find flip flops. a camera. tiptoeing slowly through creaky wood floors and accidentally overlooking the loud zing the screen door makes as it springs back into place, we scramble down the stairs and towards the dock before we hear protests from anyone sleepier and saner than either of us.

the sky isn’t black anymore, but it’s not light either. without a word, each of us heads to an opposite end of the old green canoe and shove off. the air is crisp and cold but not in a winter-cold kind of way. mist is rising off of the lake that looks like solid glass. the only sounds are dozens of birds from all directions and the occasional fish that jumps straight out of the water as if to simply see what’s going on above him. we paddle in tandem out towards the center, and watch as the sky slowly starts to become a kaleidoscope of soft colors.

we make it to the big rock and tie up our boat. a few long-legged strides bring us to the tip-top of this place that faces the mountains and, (conveniently enough), the east. as we sit there side-by-side in the middle of the lake, in the middle of the most breathtaking sunrise, it was a friendship moment, a communion moment, something that even as you’re beginning to experience you feel slight pangs of missing, for you know it will not last.

kickin' it with krazy glue is kool

today was my one-year anniversary with this job. whoopee. lol. to commemorate, on the docket was an arts-and-crafts project, complete with krazy glue. thirty congratulatory certificates. see illustration. tomorrow i’m bringing crayons to work and fully expecting a naptime and a juicebox. i’m just sayin’.

on another note, today was also another type of anniversary that’s even less commemoration-worthy (ha) than the one previously mentioned. i didn’t remember until halfway through the day, and once i did there were no shooting pains through my heart or tears or what-if’s. i just thought about it for a second, went “huh” and continued on my merry way, being corporate craft queen.

later, it was really great to realize that life is a lot nicer now. healing/perspective. i recommend it.

sugar and spice and everything nice

today i resisted the temptation of writing about my workplace on the internet, as i remembered the wise words of dooce.com echoing somewhere in the caverns of my brain: “be ye not so stupid.” yep, people have been fired for stuff like that before. even though i’m 99.9 percent certain i can count all the people who might read this on one hand (hi, mom!) i still want to be gainfully employed. it pays the bills, son.

true confession: i just wrote two paragraphs of something and then deleted it all. waaaaaay to personal to be posting out here for those five people (hi, mom!) to read. needless to say, some people have an easy time of it in their twenties. i am not one of those people. slowly learning to embrace this idea. off to write some cheery, gooshy goodness that i’ll sprinkle around as i make the announcements at next weekend’s bridal shower in honor of my sister. this afternoon while talking about this blessed event on the phone with my mom, i made her promise that she’ll cause me significant pain if the rolling of my eyes is apparent during this 3 day pre-wedding extravaganza. pain, mom. pain. you promised.

ps, happy surprise! bill murray is in tootsie. and who doesn’t love dustin hoffman dressed up like a woman!?

to whom it may concern

dear banana that is too ripe,

you are gross and i hate your guts. you are entirely too sweet in a banana-sort of way, and every time i take a bite of your mushy, bruised insides i throw up in my mouth, just a little.

were i a better woman, i would make bread outta you.

but i’m not. i’m hungry and trapped in my cube-like, fluorescently-lit prison.

so nasty fruit, you will have to do for now. however, know that you are zapping me of my will to live. wake up in the morning with that kind of guilt. i think my tastebuds are permanently damaged.

love,
me

somebody's baby

jon foreman

she yells, "if you were homeless
sure as hell you'd be drunk
or high or trying to get there
or begging for junk
when people don't want you
they just throw you money for beer."

her name was november
she went by autumn or fall
it was seven long years
since the autumn when all
of her nightmares grew fingers
and all of her dreams grew a tear

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

she screams, "well if you've never
gone it alone
well then go ahead you better
throw the first stone
you got one lonely stone
waiting to bring to her knees."

she dreams about heaven
remembering hell
as a nightmare she visits
and knows all too well
every now and again
when she's sober she brushes her teeth

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

today was her birthday
strangely enough
when the cops found her body
at the foot of the bluff
the anonymous caller this morning
tipped off the police
they got her I.D.
from her dental remains
the same fillings intact
the same nicotine stains
the birth and the death
were both over
with no one to grieve

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

do you remember...

... when i had the flu for three days and then on a quiet saturday morning, a pipe burst and flooded the basement?

oh you don't? well i do- 'cause it just happened. lol.

quite the eventful weekend. however, here's the good news.

1) i think i'm getting better. finally. :) that's a freaking miracle, 'cause i've been sick as a dog.

2) the pipe fiasco could've been a lot worse. thankfully, both of my roommates were home, so this weak/sick chick didn't have to clean up three inches of water off the floor all by her lonesome. :)

3) the pipe is fixed, water cleaned up, and no real damage was done.

4) from being so under the weather this past week, i think i've lost the ten pounds i put on over the holidays!! haha, okay that's so wrong. but seriously. lol.

onto another topic:

i've been thinking on how to write about this pre-screening i went to for a documentary called Lord, save us from your followers which impacted me hugely. however, still thinking. i just can't seem to externalize all the thoughts and convicting moments in my heart. so, i'm still working on that.

however, on another ENTIRELY DIFFERENT note, here's a quote i recently found in a book that hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way):

"...forgiveness does not create a relationship. unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. when you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."
william p. young

it's too much to explain in a blog post written by a slightly-feverish and exhausted person. but to me- that quote is really profound.

is evil a choice?

"the lesser of the two evils."

um... i'm having a problem with that phrase.

IS there a lesser evil? i think okay, there are some areas that are grey and can't be called right or wrong. but with two situations that are clearly wrong, is it justifiable to pick one?

please let me know your thoughts. i'm seriously wrestling with this idea. and putting myself in the hot seat, remembering when i picked an evil and thought it was somehow... better.

no. not bryan. RYAN.

this weekend was such a mixed bag! man oh man, i can never see these things coming.

first off, i saw ryan adams in concert on friday. no, not bryan. don't talk about the summer of '69, or everything i do (i do it for you). not at all cheesy late 80's/early 90's pop... no, we're talking actual rock and roll. if you're one of those people that don't know what i'm talking about, go look him up. my favorite from friday night was "stars go blue." he's a genius, you won't be sorry. i loved the concert, every minute. well, except for the 10-minute jam sessions. yes mr. adams, i understand you're a fantastic guitarist/songwriter- but chill out, man. ha. anywho, the backdrop for the show was a desert theme, complete with cacti, cowboy hats, and lighting bright and colorful enough to put new mexico to shame. all in all, a great experience. my friend sophie is the much prettier female version of ryan adams in regards to appearance, and from what i hear she stood in line to meet him afterwards. for those who've never seen him, picture this: short, dark brown hair. messy. short in height. cute, but ferocious. lol. all in all, a good time. i can't complain.

in contrast, today i was dealt one of the more painful blows to my heart that i can remember in months past. it had nothing to do with a boy or a romantic relationship, but instead with friendship, who you allow to dictate your life, and the idea of respect. of course i'm one of those people that can "take one for the team" and so i did, agreeing to their proposition, stepping back, sacrificing... not allowing myself to feel the full ramifications until i was by myself with the curtains drawn in my bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, crying and praying and trying to dig deep. all in all, the people that made this request of me had no idea what it eventually meant. after i wandered through the day half-lost and half-aware, i eventually pieced myself together via 2 hours in a bubble bath, a bottle of wine, and half a pint of ice cream. a little cliche, but that's what it took.

as i was sitting in the bath, watching the bubbles dissolve into flat paisley patterns across the surface of the water, i silently half-prayed and half-vented, and finally came to the conclusion that i see the Lord's kindness in these things that don't at all seem kind. i have prayed for clarity, and boy... do i ever have eyes to see. i hate this time of my life where there has been so much stripped away, but more than anything i am longing for transformation and my gut tells me that this is what it takes. boot camp if you will, for the sake of the rest of my life. that word, transformation, was used by a rwandan pastor with a movie star smile in my thursday night class, and something in my head just clicked tonight and suddenly made a whole lot of sense. when i think of transformation i think of a complete 180; fresh start; beautiful beginning; altering what once was into what should be. this is what i need. my soul is tired of what has been and the only redemption can be found in Christ alone, who was and is and is to come. transformation; that anyone's only hope.

timely

but he said to me, "my grace is suffiient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. for the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamaties. for when i am weak, then i am strong.

(2 cor. 12:9&10)

redemptive colors

so i just came back from a rather random type of gathering of random types of friends at a local thai place i'd never been to before. do you know how it feels when you are kinda not SUPER enthused about going somewhere and then it ends up being almost the best time ever? that's exactly how it was. really great food, a delish raspberry mint mojito and some amazing conversation later, i can't really recall the last time i had that much fun. it was just a really incredible way to begin a weekend, and i'm thankful for it. yup yup, i am indeed.

after driving home i walked into my house, still in my "causual friday" workclothes (which frankly, are not all that casual), and the stray-turned-pet kitty was one step ahead and beat me inside. i don't know how she does it, but almost everytime one of us comes back to the house she's waiting at the doorstep, little black nose pressed against the wall, waiting anxiously to be let back into warmth and shelter. we both walked in, and immediately she began begging for my attention. i'm not even really a cat person, but that little purr-y breathing and the silky soft head butting against my face is just the sweetest thing and instantly melts away any and every anti-cat feeling i've had these past 25 years.

all of this doesn't really have to do with anything except for right at this moment, i am so happy. this is such a struggle-filled time of life for me- gains and losses; trust misplaced and trust regained; my footing is sure and at the same time very much in transition. there's so much left to be decided, and so many decisions i have recently made. but for now, my tummy is full of good food, against my shoulder is a little black furry thing that mews, and i see potential in situations around me.

i am a woman of associations... songs, colors, feelings- you name it. if it somehow is attached to something concrete, odds are good i can remember a taste or a feeling or a person who reminds me of that thing. maybe that's why i've had this dension whitmer song on repeat in my car:

how you found me out
i still never understand
thoughts you can't take with you when you go
you were waving flags that bear the colors of your love
i didn't know

orange for the vineyards
blue is for the rivers
green goes like a hillside covered now
white is not surrender
despite what you've been told
it's clouds of hope

that fall on you now
save you now

maybe right now at this stage of the game, there are circumstances that may seem like one thing, but in reality... are clouds of hope.

that fall on me now.

i love that thought.

since we're (i'm) talking about food, let's take it one step further

there have been plenty of thoughts lately, lots of subjects like friendships (some gone good and some, sadly, gone bad), incredible mothers, radical and passionate people, my life, my lack of life, ways that i do things right and ways that i do things wrong, the fact that my sister will not share my last name in like two months and how that is WEIRD, people with willpower that i admire, my current addiction to the show alias on dvd, my charming roomate that never understands the proper use of the word "touche" but delights in using it anyway, being a hermit and how appealing that currently feels, etc.

but

it's kinda like alphabet soup. a bunch of letters floating around, not a lot of coherent sentances.

sometimes life is just like that.

swiss, provolone, bleu, etc.

when i think about writer's block, i think about cheese. a big, yellow, block of cheese.

i don't know why. i can't even EAT cheese.

maybe it's metaphorical?

on a lighter note

weather update: this afternoon the sun shined in oregon, for maybe 2 hours. it was delicious.

it made me wonder about other climates in other parts of the world i may be living in at some point in the future. i think i need a transition spot between the overcast-ness of oregon and the constant sunshine of africa. :) otherwise my poor body might not know how to process all that warmth. i might just cook right up. lol.

okkkkkk. it's 2:50am. time to stop writing and start sleeping. g'nite.

(don't change) your plans for me

i don't enjoy being harshly judged- for my life, for my thoughts. for a day when i may have felt something that (actually...) i don't feel currently and hadn't felt to that extent before. i don't enjoy feeling like i have to watch how i exsist just to please somebody who will never be happy because they simply can not have what they want, and there's not a thing i can do to change that.

well, c'mon... who does?

the only thing i can say is that i'm in progress, still moving and growing, and i'll be darned if i'm not doing the best i can.

i think if i had "words to the wise" tonight (which i don't, really... in general, i'm kind of all out of words.) they would be as follows: don't expect me to be perfect, or perfectly what you want. unfortunately, i'll fail miserably. see above, i'm only a person in progress. all i can do is be responsible to a) God and b) myself since that is who i answer to for the decisions i've made. lastly (which is a good rule of thumb all around!): don't base your life on the internet. don't base it on a single posting you read or on a feeling or an assumption. if that's what you choose to do, you are only hurting yourself.

all i can do is what i can do and the rest, my dear, is up to you. wish i could've explained this in a phone call, but i guess that's not what you need. wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can not be what you need to feel okay about yourself or your life. i never have been enough for that. i'm honestly doing the best that i can but i will not try to change myself for you, my life is my business and God's. i have nothing to hide and i've done nothing wrong.

wow... it took me long enough to get to that conclusion.