"the lesser of the two evils."
um... i'm having a problem with that phrase.
IS there a lesser evil? i think okay, there are some areas that are grey and can't be called right or wrong. but with two situations that are clearly wrong, is it justifiable to pick one?
please let me know your thoughts. i'm seriously wrestling with this idea. and putting myself in the hot seat, remembering when i picked an evil and thought it was somehow... better.
1.29.2008
1.26.2008
no. not bryan. RYAN.
this weekend was such a mixed bag! man oh man, i can never see these things coming.
first off, i saw ryan adams in concert on friday. no, not bryan. don't talk about the summer of '69, or everything i do (i do it for you). not at all cheesy late 80's/early 90's pop... no, we're talking actual rock and roll. if you're one of those people that don't know what i'm talking about, go look him up. my favorite from friday night was "stars go blue." he's a genius, you won't be sorry. i loved the concert, every minute. well, except for the 10-minute jam sessions. yes mr. adams, i understand you're a fantastic guitarist/songwriter- but chill out, man. ha. anywho, the backdrop for the show was a desert theme, complete with cacti, cowboy hats, and lighting bright and colorful enough to put new mexico to shame. all in all, a great experience. my friend sophie is the much prettier female version of ryan adams in regards to appearance, and from what i hear she stood in line to meet him afterwards. for those who've never seen him, picture this: short, dark brown hair. messy. short in height. cute, but ferocious. lol. all in all, a good time. i can't complain.
in contrast, today i was dealt one of the more painful blows to my heart that i can remember in months past. it had nothing to do with a boy or a romantic relationship, but instead with friendship, who you allow to dictate your life, and the idea of respect. of course i'm one of those people that can "take one for the team" and so i did, agreeing to their proposition, stepping back, sacrificing... not allowing myself to feel the full ramifications until i was by myself with the curtains drawn in my bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, crying and praying and trying to dig deep. all in all, the people that made this request of me had no idea what it eventually meant. after i wandered through the day half-lost and half-aware, i eventually pieced myself together via 2 hours in a bubble bath, a bottle of wine, and half a pint of ice cream. a little cliche, but that's what it took.
as i was sitting in the bath, watching the bubbles dissolve into flat paisley patterns across the surface of the water, i silently half-prayed and half-vented, and finally came to the conclusion that i see the Lord's kindness in these things that don't at all seem kind. i have prayed for clarity, and boy... do i ever have eyes to see. i hate this time of my life where there has been so much stripped away, but more than anything i am longing for transformation and my gut tells me that this is what it takes. boot camp if you will, for the sake of the rest of my life. that word, transformation, was used by a rwandan pastor with a movie star smile in my thursday night class, and something in my head just clicked tonight and suddenly made a whole lot of sense. when i think of transformation i think of a complete 180; fresh start; beautiful beginning; altering what once was into what should be. this is what i need. my soul is tired of what has been and the only redemption can be found in Christ alone, who was and is and is to come. transformation; that anyone's only hope.
first off, i saw ryan adams in concert on friday. no, not bryan. don't talk about the summer of '69, or everything i do (i do it for you). not at all cheesy late 80's/early 90's pop... no, we're talking actual rock and roll. if you're one of those people that don't know what i'm talking about, go look him up. my favorite from friday night was "stars go blue." he's a genius, you won't be sorry. i loved the concert, every minute. well, except for the 10-minute jam sessions. yes mr. adams, i understand you're a fantastic guitarist/songwriter- but chill out, man. ha. anywho, the backdrop for the show was a desert theme, complete with cacti, cowboy hats, and lighting bright and colorful enough to put new mexico to shame. all in all, a great experience. my friend sophie is the much prettier female version of ryan adams in regards to appearance, and from what i hear she stood in line to meet him afterwards. for those who've never seen him, picture this: short, dark brown hair. messy. short in height. cute, but ferocious. lol. all in all, a good time. i can't complain.
in contrast, today i was dealt one of the more painful blows to my heart that i can remember in months past. it had nothing to do with a boy or a romantic relationship, but instead with friendship, who you allow to dictate your life, and the idea of respect. of course i'm one of those people that can "take one for the team" and so i did, agreeing to their proposition, stepping back, sacrificing... not allowing myself to feel the full ramifications until i was by myself with the curtains drawn in my bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, crying and praying and trying to dig deep. all in all, the people that made this request of me had no idea what it eventually meant. after i wandered through the day half-lost and half-aware, i eventually pieced myself together via 2 hours in a bubble bath, a bottle of wine, and half a pint of ice cream. a little cliche, but that's what it took.
as i was sitting in the bath, watching the bubbles dissolve into flat paisley patterns across the surface of the water, i silently half-prayed and half-vented, and finally came to the conclusion that i see the Lord's kindness in these things that don't at all seem kind. i have prayed for clarity, and boy... do i ever have eyes to see. i hate this time of my life where there has been so much stripped away, but more than anything i am longing for transformation and my gut tells me that this is what it takes. boot camp if you will, for the sake of the rest of my life. that word, transformation, was used by a rwandan pastor with a movie star smile in my thursday night class, and something in my head just clicked tonight and suddenly made a whole lot of sense. when i think of transformation i think of a complete 180; fresh start; beautiful beginning; altering what once was into what should be. this is what i need. my soul is tired of what has been and the only redemption can be found in Christ alone, who was and is and is to come. transformation; that anyone's only hope.
1.20.2008
timely
but he said to me, "my grace is suffiient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. for the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamaties. for when i am weak, then i am strong.
(2 cor. 12:9&10)
(2 cor. 12:9&10)
1.18.2008
redemptive colors
so i just came back from a rather random type of gathering of random types of friends at a local thai place i'd never been to before. do you know how it feels when you are kinda not SUPER enthused about going somewhere and then it ends up being almost the best time ever? that's exactly how it was. really great food, a delish raspberry mint mojito and some amazing conversation later, i can't really recall the last time i had that much fun. it was just a really incredible way to begin a weekend, and i'm thankful for it. yup yup, i am indeed.
after driving home i walked into my house, still in my "causual friday" workclothes (which frankly, are not all that casual), and the stray-turned-pet kitty was one step ahead and beat me inside. i don't know how she does it, but almost everytime one of us comes back to the house she's waiting at the doorstep, little black nose pressed against the wall, waiting anxiously to be let back into warmth and shelter. we both walked in, and immediately she began begging for my attention. i'm not even really a cat person, but that little purr-y breathing and the silky soft head butting against my face is just the sweetest thing and instantly melts away any and every anti-cat feeling i've had these past 25 years.
all of this doesn't really have to do with anything except for right at this moment, i am so happy. this is such a struggle-filled time of life for me- gains and losses; trust misplaced and trust regained; my footing is sure and at the same time very much in transition. there's so much left to be decided, and so many decisions i have recently made. but for now, my tummy is full of good food, against my shoulder is a little black furry thing that mews, and i see potential in situations around me.
i am a woman of associations... songs, colors, feelings- you name it. if it somehow is attached to something concrete, odds are good i can remember a taste or a feeling or a person who reminds me of that thing. maybe that's why i've had this dension whitmer song on repeat in my car:
how you found me out
i still never understand
thoughts you can't take with you when you go
you were waving flags that bear the colors of your love
i didn't know
orange for the vineyards
blue is for the rivers
green goes like a hillside covered now
white is not surrender
despite what you've been told
it's clouds of hope
that fall on you now
save you now
maybe right now at this stage of the game, there are circumstances that may seem like one thing, but in reality... are clouds of hope.
that fall on me now.
i love that thought.
after driving home i walked into my house, still in my "causual friday" workclothes (which frankly, are not all that casual), and the stray-turned-pet kitty was one step ahead and beat me inside. i don't know how she does it, but almost everytime one of us comes back to the house she's waiting at the doorstep, little black nose pressed against the wall, waiting anxiously to be let back into warmth and shelter. we both walked in, and immediately she began begging for my attention. i'm not even really a cat person, but that little purr-y breathing and the silky soft head butting against my face is just the sweetest thing and instantly melts away any and every anti-cat feeling i've had these past 25 years.
all of this doesn't really have to do with anything except for right at this moment, i am so happy. this is such a struggle-filled time of life for me- gains and losses; trust misplaced and trust regained; my footing is sure and at the same time very much in transition. there's so much left to be decided, and so many decisions i have recently made. but for now, my tummy is full of good food, against my shoulder is a little black furry thing that mews, and i see potential in situations around me.
i am a woman of associations... songs, colors, feelings- you name it. if it somehow is attached to something concrete, odds are good i can remember a taste or a feeling or a person who reminds me of that thing. maybe that's why i've had this dension whitmer song on repeat in my car:
how you found me out
i still never understand
thoughts you can't take with you when you go
you were waving flags that bear the colors of your love
i didn't know
orange for the vineyards
blue is for the rivers
green goes like a hillside covered now
white is not surrender
despite what you've been told
it's clouds of hope
that fall on you now
save you now
maybe right now at this stage of the game, there are circumstances that may seem like one thing, but in reality... are clouds of hope.
that fall on me now.
i love that thought.
1.16.2008
since we're (i'm) talking about food, let's take it one step further
there have been plenty of thoughts lately, lots of subjects like friendships (some gone good and some, sadly, gone bad), incredible mothers, radical and passionate people, my life, my lack of life, ways that i do things right and ways that i do things wrong, the fact that my sister will not share my last name in like two months and how that is WEIRD, people with willpower that i admire, my current addiction to the show alias on dvd, my charming roomate that never understands the proper use of the word "touche" but delights in using it anyway, being a hermit and how appealing that currently feels, etc.
but
it's kinda like alphabet soup. a bunch of letters floating around, not a lot of coherent sentances.
sometimes life is just like that.
but
it's kinda like alphabet soup. a bunch of letters floating around, not a lot of coherent sentances.
sometimes life is just like that.
swiss, provolone, bleu, etc.
when i think about writer's block, i think about cheese. a big, yellow, block of cheese.
i don't know why. i can't even EAT cheese.
maybe it's metaphorical?
i don't know why. i can't even EAT cheese.
maybe it's metaphorical?
1.05.2008
on a lighter note
weather update: this afternoon the sun shined in oregon, for maybe 2 hours. it was delicious.
it made me wonder about other climates in other parts of the world i may be living in at some point in the future. i think i need a transition spot between the overcast-ness of oregon and the constant sunshine of africa. :) otherwise my poor body might not know how to process all that warmth. i might just cook right up. lol.
okkkkkk. it's 2:50am. time to stop writing and start sleeping. g'nite.
it made me wonder about other climates in other parts of the world i may be living in at some point in the future. i think i need a transition spot between the overcast-ness of oregon and the constant sunshine of africa. :) otherwise my poor body might not know how to process all that warmth. i might just cook right up. lol.
okkkkkk. it's 2:50am. time to stop writing and start sleeping. g'nite.
(don't change) your plans for me
i don't enjoy being harshly judged- for my life, for my thoughts. for a day when i may have felt something that (actually...) i don't feel currently and hadn't felt to that extent before. i don't enjoy feeling like i have to watch how i exsist just to please somebody who will never be happy because they simply can not have what they want, and there's not a thing i can do to change that.
well, c'mon... who does?
the only thing i can say is that i'm in progress, still moving and growing, and i'll be darned if i'm not doing the best i can.
i think if i had "words to the wise" tonight (which i don't, really... in general, i'm kind of all out of words.) they would be as follows: don't expect me to be perfect, or perfectly what you want. unfortunately, i'll fail miserably. see above, i'm only a person in progress. all i can do is be responsible to a) God and b) myself since that is who i answer to for the decisions i've made. lastly (which is a good rule of thumb all around!): don't base your life on the internet. don't base it on a single posting you read or on a feeling or an assumption. if that's what you choose to do, you are only hurting yourself.
all i can do is what i can do and the rest, my dear, is up to you. wish i could've explained this in a phone call, but i guess that's not what you need. wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can not be what you need to feel okay about yourself or your life. i never have been enough for that. i'm honestly doing the best that i can but i will not try to change myself for you, my life is my business and God's. i have nothing to hide and i've done nothing wrong.
wow... it took me long enough to get to that conclusion.
well, c'mon... who does?
the only thing i can say is that i'm in progress, still moving and growing, and i'll be darned if i'm not doing the best i can.
i think if i had "words to the wise" tonight (which i don't, really... in general, i'm kind of all out of words.) they would be as follows: don't expect me to be perfect, or perfectly what you want. unfortunately, i'll fail miserably. see above, i'm only a person in progress. all i can do is be responsible to a) God and b) myself since that is who i answer to for the decisions i've made. lastly (which is a good rule of thumb all around!): don't base your life on the internet. don't base it on a single posting you read or on a feeling or an assumption. if that's what you choose to do, you are only hurting yourself.
all i can do is what i can do and the rest, my dear, is up to you. wish i could've explained this in a phone call, but i guess that's not what you need. wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can not be what you need to feel okay about yourself or your life. i never have been enough for that. i'm honestly doing the best that i can but i will not try to change myself for you, my life is my business and God's. i have nothing to hide and i've done nothing wrong.
wow... it took me long enough to get to that conclusion.
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