no. not bryan. RYAN.

this weekend was such a mixed bag! man oh man, i can never see these things coming.

first off, i saw ryan adams in concert on friday. no, not bryan. don't talk about the summer of '69, or everything i do (i do it for you). not at all cheesy late 80's/early 90's pop... no, we're talking actual rock and roll. if you're one of those people that don't know what i'm talking about, go look him up. my favorite from friday night was "stars go blue." he's a genius, you won't be sorry. i loved the concert, every minute. well, except for the 10-minute jam sessions. yes mr. adams, i understand you're a fantastic guitarist/songwriter- but chill out, man. ha. anywho, the backdrop for the show was a desert theme, complete with cacti, cowboy hats, and lighting bright and colorful enough to put new mexico to shame. all in all, a great experience. my friend sophie is the much prettier female version of ryan adams in regards to appearance, and from what i hear she stood in line to meet him afterwards. for those who've never seen him, picture this: short, dark brown hair. messy. short in height. cute, but ferocious. lol. all in all, a good time. i can't complain.

in contrast, today i was dealt one of the more painful blows to my heart that i can remember in months past. it had nothing to do with a boy or a romantic relationship, but instead with friendship, who you allow to dictate your life, and the idea of respect. of course i'm one of those people that can "take one for the team" and so i did, agreeing to their proposition, stepping back, sacrificing... not allowing myself to feel the full ramifications until i was by myself with the curtains drawn in my bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, crying and praying and trying to dig deep. all in all, the people that made this request of me had no idea what it eventually meant. after i wandered through the day half-lost and half-aware, i eventually pieced myself together via 2 hours in a bubble bath, a bottle of wine, and half a pint of ice cream. a little cliche, but that's what it took.

as i was sitting in the bath, watching the bubbles dissolve into flat paisley patterns across the surface of the water, i silently half-prayed and half-vented, and finally came to the conclusion that i see the Lord's kindness in these things that don't at all seem kind. i have prayed for clarity, and boy... do i ever have eyes to see. i hate this time of my life where there has been so much stripped away, but more than anything i am longing for transformation and my gut tells me that this is what it takes. boot camp if you will, for the sake of the rest of my life. that word, transformation, was used by a rwandan pastor with a movie star smile in my thursday night class, and something in my head just clicked tonight and suddenly made a whole lot of sense. when i think of transformation i think of a complete 180; fresh start; beautiful beginning; altering what once was into what should be. this is what i need. my soul is tired of what has been and the only redemption can be found in Christ alone, who was and is and is to come. transformation; that anyone's only hope.