alternating between excited and deer-in-headlights

i can tell the idea is worthwhile because a) it’s a risk and b) it’s pretty frightening, in a “get-the-heck-outta-yer-comfort-zones, missy” kind of way.

home

“nan. nanny. wake. up.” “ughhhh” i say in protest, but somehow my eager-beaver of a best friend interprets my barely-intelligible noise as a yes. “get up!” she enthusiastically whispers, “if you don’t hustle, we’re going to miss it!” somehow i grasp around in the dark and find flip flops. a camera. tiptoeing slowly through creaky wood floors and accidentally overlooking the loud zing the screen door makes as it springs back into place, we scramble down the stairs and towards the dock before we hear protests from anyone sleepier and saner than either of us.

the sky isn’t black anymore, but it’s not light either. without a word, each of us heads to an opposite end of the old green canoe and shove off. the air is crisp and cold but not in a winter-cold kind of way. mist is rising off of the lake that looks like solid glass. the only sounds are dozens of birds from all directions and the occasional fish that jumps straight out of the water as if to simply see what’s going on above him. we paddle in tandem out towards the center, and watch as the sky slowly starts to become a kaleidoscope of soft colors.

we make it to the big rock and tie up our boat. a few long-legged strides bring us to the tip-top of this place that faces the mountains and, (conveniently enough), the east. as we sit there side-by-side in the middle of the lake, in the middle of the most breathtaking sunrise, it was a friendship moment, a communion moment, something that even as you’re beginning to experience you feel slight pangs of missing, for you know it will not last.

kickin' it with krazy glue is kool

today was my one-year anniversary with this job. whoopee. lol. to commemorate, on the docket was an arts-and-crafts project, complete with krazy glue. thirty congratulatory certificates. see illustration. tomorrow i’m bringing crayons to work and fully expecting a naptime and a juicebox. i’m just sayin’.

on another note, today was also another type of anniversary that’s even less commemoration-worthy (ha) than the one previously mentioned. i didn’t remember until halfway through the day, and once i did there were no shooting pains through my heart or tears or what-if’s. i just thought about it for a second, went “huh” and continued on my merry way, being corporate craft queen.

later, it was really great to realize that life is a lot nicer now. healing/perspective. i recommend it.

sugar and spice and everything nice

today i resisted the temptation of writing about my workplace on the internet, as i remembered the wise words of dooce.com echoing somewhere in the caverns of my brain: “be ye not so stupid.” yep, people have been fired for stuff like that before. even though i’m 99.9 percent certain i can count all the people who might read this on one hand (hi, mom!) i still want to be gainfully employed. it pays the bills, son.

true confession: i just wrote two paragraphs of something and then deleted it all. waaaaaay to personal to be posting out here for those five people (hi, mom!) to read. needless to say, some people have an easy time of it in their twenties. i am not one of those people. slowly learning to embrace this idea. off to write some cheery, gooshy goodness that i’ll sprinkle around as i make the announcements at next weekend’s bridal shower in honor of my sister. this afternoon while talking about this blessed event on the phone with my mom, i made her promise that she’ll cause me significant pain if the rolling of my eyes is apparent during this 3 day pre-wedding extravaganza. pain, mom. pain. you promised.

ps, happy surprise! bill murray is in tootsie. and who doesn’t love dustin hoffman dressed up like a woman!?

to whom it may concern

dear banana that is too ripe,

you are gross and i hate your guts. you are entirely too sweet in a banana-sort of way, and every time i take a bite of your mushy, bruised insides i throw up in my mouth, just a little.

were i a better woman, i would make bread outta you.

but i’m not. i’m hungry and trapped in my cube-like, fluorescently-lit prison.

so nasty fruit, you will have to do for now. however, know that you are zapping me of my will to live. wake up in the morning with that kind of guilt. i think my tastebuds are permanently damaged.

love,
me

somebody's baby

jon foreman

she yells, "if you were homeless
sure as hell you'd be drunk
or high or trying to get there
or begging for junk
when people don't want you
they just throw you money for beer."

her name was november
she went by autumn or fall
it was seven long years
since the autumn when all
of her nightmares grew fingers
and all of her dreams grew a tear

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

she screams, "well if you've never
gone it alone
well then go ahead you better
throw the first stone
you got one lonely stone
waiting to bring to her knees."

she dreams about heaven
remembering hell
as a nightmare she visits
and knows all too well
every now and again
when she's sober she brushes her teeth

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

today was her birthday
strangely enough
when the cops found her body
at the foot of the bluff
the anonymous caller this morning
tipped off the police
they got her I.D.
from her dental remains
the same fillings intact
the same nicotine stains
the birth and the death
were both over
with no one to grieve

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

do you remember...

... when i had the flu for three days and then on a quiet saturday morning, a pipe burst and flooded the basement?

oh you don't? well i do- 'cause it just happened. lol.

quite the eventful weekend. however, here's the good news.

1) i think i'm getting better. finally. :) that's a freaking miracle, 'cause i've been sick as a dog.

2) the pipe fiasco could've been a lot worse. thankfully, both of my roommates were home, so this weak/sick chick didn't have to clean up three inches of water off the floor all by her lonesome. :)

3) the pipe is fixed, water cleaned up, and no real damage was done.

4) from being so under the weather this past week, i think i've lost the ten pounds i put on over the holidays!! haha, okay that's so wrong. but seriously. lol.

onto another topic:

i've been thinking on how to write about this pre-screening i went to for a documentary called Lord, save us from your followers which impacted me hugely. however, still thinking. i just can't seem to externalize all the thoughts and convicting moments in my heart. so, i'm still working on that.

however, on another ENTIRELY DIFFERENT note, here's a quote i recently found in a book that hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way):

"...forgiveness does not create a relationship. unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. when you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."
william p. young

it's too much to explain in a blog post written by a slightly-feverish and exhausted person. but to me- that quote is really profound.