i've been trying hard.
damn hard.
and still... this one thing isn't working out too well for me.
this one, kind of "big deal" kind of thing.
ummmmma ummmmmma ummmmmma umm.
last night in talking with someone about this topic, i asked for prayers about today's exam.
i told him, "it's not like i'm afraid to fail at this thing... i just have to survive, for at least a year."
well, guess what i figured out?
i think i am afraid to fail.
i've had people left and right telling me, "you'll be great at no matter what you do!" and "you're so smart, you're so _____! you're so ____!"
ha. well, guess what. some days, i'm not. and maybe i'll fail. that's looking like a distinct possibility.
maybe by some miracle i won't :)
but if i do, what's the worst that can happen?
let me tell you.
i take my kitty
pack my bags
and forgetaboutit.
moving was still a good choice, this i know.
and as to all the other details, God will take care of me. His ways are not my ways.
7.23.2008
//from yesterday
as i watch the sunset out my back window, i realize the days are long and already i'm thinking of how quickly that will end... oh, pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex, you never completely leave me alone. :)
tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.
right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.
true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.
i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.
well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.
there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)
my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.
maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.
tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.
right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.
true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.
i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.
well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.
there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)
my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.
maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.
surprise!
of this i am sure, now more than ever: i have no idea what i want.
if you need me in the next three years, i'll be in a dark and hidden hole. sleeping it (my life) off. call me when it's over and i have choices again.
also: a list of negativity. just because. a) i am really fantastic at doing things which make absolutely no money. b) or maybe if i knew how to market these skills better i'd somehow be able to make a living doing these things which don't zap me of my will to live. c) i hate money and currently hate making a living, and this has nothing to do with avoiding responsibility or not wanting to grow up. d) sorry for complaining. i just had to say it outloud to feel like it (my life) was somehow a bit more palatable. e) don't worry. nothing's REALLY wrong.
if you need me in the next three years, i'll be in a dark and hidden hole. sleeping it (my life) off. call me when it's over and i have choices again.
also: a list of negativity. just because. a) i am really fantastic at doing things which make absolutely no money. b) or maybe if i knew how to market these skills better i'd somehow be able to make a living doing these things which don't zap me of my will to live. c) i hate money and currently hate making a living, and this has nothing to do with avoiding responsibility or not wanting to grow up. d) sorry for complaining. i just had to say it outloud to feel like it (my life) was somehow a bit more palatable. e) don't worry. nothing's REALLY wrong.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
