//from yesterday

as i watch the sunset out my back window, i realize the days are long and already i'm thinking of how quickly that will end... oh, pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex, you never completely leave me alone. :)

tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.

right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.

true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.

i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.

well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.

there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)

my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.

maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.