indian//summer

where the wild things are

2008-12-29T12:32:00.000-08:00

hi there. :)

so, i used to write here.

i used to write thoughts and hopes and dreams and all kinds of nonsense and most of it was pretty emo. before here, i used to write in other places.

i don't write much anymore. and i can't figure out if that's a pro or a con.

:) probably neither. if you used to come here to read, i'm flattered. thanks. it's simply not the best way to keep up on my life anymore. 2008 brought SO many ridiculous, life-altering changes and in the end i am happier. more at peace. even, dare i say, the best i've ever been. there are good things going on in my life and the hard things have made me stronger. God is gracious and blesses me even when i have a history of baggage and mistakes. brokenness i swore i'd never get over is somehow a lot more healed than it used to be. and i'm happy. :)

i just thought i'd let you know. maybe i'll come back to this someday, maybe not. either way, who cares? life is for living, not writing about.

the ball, it is rolling.

2008-08-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

after a lot of

"you should charge for this!"

and

"have you ever thought of doing photography as a business??"

i'm finally getting it off the ground.

(here's a link if anybody's interested.)

(nancynoble).photography

in this situation... what is my best?

2008-08-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

okay.

so you may have picked up on a little frustration in my last post.

yeah.

and maybe even some despair.

sure, i'll own that.

but something i realized today, after a no-good, very bad, horrible day of doubt and tears is this:

i may not know much, or how i am gonna get there, but i serve a very powerful God.

what is impossible for Him?

nothing.

what do i need to do in the meantime, even in the unknowing?

my best.

i can do that.

i know where i lack discipline, strength, a good attitude.

i have the power to change all that.

no matter what, i can and should do my best... and leave the rest in God's hands.

kind of tired.

2008-08-22T22:14:00.001-07:00

long story short:

life doesn't turn out the way you plan.

hahahahahaha. yup.

for now, i am in new york. tonight is the last night alone in my apartment, my beautiful, wood-floored, perfect-for-one, high ceiling-ed, built-in-bookshelfed apartment. as i packed up the remnants of stuff, i realized how much i want to get rid of it, all of it. i actually really do. if i were moving all this crap with someone else it might have more meaning, but (sounding pathetic, warning, warning) moving it all just for me and completely alone feels rather hollow and empty. like, if i'm going to be single why am i not running around having insane adventures? why am i instead married to/trapped by all this "stuff"?!

end pathetic rant.

anyhow, i am picking up the pieces and attempting to figure out what in the world comes next. the Lord has been so so so good to me in providing for my needs so far, but i confess it's still difficult not to be stressed by whatever is next.

so i'll just do my best and keep on taking one day at a time.

even though it hasn't been fun necessarily and at times i wish for being back where i was, i am thankful and know that i had to try or i'd never be satisfied with the "what-if"'s. i wouldn't. for better or worse, that is just how i am. so now i just deal with the days and feel relieved that maybe, just maybe, there are things beyond my understanding.

what's the worst that can happen?

2008-07-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

i've been trying hard.

damn hard.

and still... this one thing isn't working out too well for me.

this one, kind of "big deal" kind of thing.

ummmmma ummmmmma ummmmmma umm.

last night in talking with someone about this topic, i asked for prayers about today's exam.

i told him, "it's not like i'm afraid to fail at this thing... i just have to survive, for at least a year."

well, guess what i figured out?

i think i am afraid to fail.

i've had people left and right telling me, "you'll be great at no matter what you do!" and "you're so smart, you're so _____! you're so ____!"

ha. well, guess what. some days, i'm not. and maybe i'll fail. that's looking like a distinct possibility.

maybe by some miracle i won't :)

but if i do, what's the worst that can happen?

let me tell you.

i take my kitty

pack my bags

and forgetaboutit.

moving was still a good choice, this i know.

and as to all the other details, God will take care of me. His ways are not my ways.

//from yesterday

2008-07-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

as i watch the sunset out my back window, i realize the days are long and already i'm thinking of how quickly that will end... oh, pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex, you never completely leave me alone. :)

tonight i sat at home with some bills, paperwork, a glass of red wine, and my cat. in the background played a rather good chick flick and i couldn't help but realize how stereotypical i have become in some ways. :) you can not fault single women for loving their cats- minimal commitment (i'm much more of a dog person, but am on the go entirely too much to be fair to a dog), maximum company and affection. before i got her i did not realize i was lonely at all, but soon after felt much happier. guess i'm not as much of a loner as i sometimes think.

right now i feel on the edge of something that could potentially be big. it involves a decision that affects more than just myself, and the implications of all this deciding had me feeling slightly panicked this afternoon as i called my mom to ask for advice. the only words out of her mouth? fast and pray.

true confession: since last year, i'm slightly suspicious of fasting and praying. i don't have a lot of history with this spiritual discipline, but i fasted and prayed over two situations that just blew up to smithereens. i thought i was making the right decisions and the Lord was leading me in one way, only to be proven horribly wrong. i guess you could say i've been burned by praying. or maybe, just maybe, i've been burned by how i thought God was working. in holding on so tightly to my perception of what the Lord was bringing about in my life, i completely missed what he actually did. it's so challenging to be thankful for situations that brought about pain in my life, but i can not deny that those very situations grew me up in ways i desperately needed.

i guess there lies the source of most of my spiritual pride: wanting to know what exactly God is doing when He is doing it, and becoming furious when it's completely the opposite of what i thought. with this current situation (that, according to my mother, needs fasting and prayer) i don't honestly know if i want to trust God with this. it seems too big, too irrevocable. either way it might end i could lose something and i don't know if i could handle that end.

well, i could lose something... or i could gain what i've been looking for all along.

there goes that pesky glass-empty-glass-full complex again. :)

my trust in the Lord is so weak and my vision so stunted as to what He is actually about and what He is doing in my life. i wish i understood more because that is my prideful struggle, but maybe i am not called to understanding.

maybe i am called to obedience and surrender. somehow, in my gut, i know even if things end not as i had planned, obedience and surrender will somehow be enough.

surprise!

2008-07-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

of this i am sure, now more than ever: i have no idea what i want.

if you need me in the next three years, i'll be in a dark and hidden hole. sleeping it (my life) off. call me when it's over and i have choices again.

also: a list of negativity. just because. a) i am really fantastic at doing things which make absolutely no money. b) or maybe if i knew how to market these skills better i'd somehow be able to make a living doing these things which don't zap me of my will to live. c) i hate money and currently hate making a living, and this has nothing to do with avoiding responsibility or not wanting to grow up. d) sorry for complaining. i just had to say it outloud to feel like it (my life) was somehow a bit more palatable. e) don't worry. nothing's REALLY wrong.

not forgotten.

2008-06-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

hello from the east side!

there have been many thoughts about picking up here again. but as of late, i've been busy transitioning. :)

for a quick kind of update: life is very different, but good. and i know this is where i should be, and that's a good feeling because i hadn't felt that way in portland for quite some time.

here's a shout out of pros and cons for my new town:

PROS
.quiet/peaceful.
.awesome sunsets from my window.
.smalltown charm.
.sunny weather.
.cheap living.
.close to my family, but not too close. (heh :))
.quirky.
.challenging.

CONS
.lots of cows.
.smalltown charm.

see? the pros far outweigh the cons. :) life is going well, very well. i feel hemmed in, which is a nice way to feel. that could come across many ways to many different people, but all you need to know is this: the past two years has been a little nutso, and it feels fine to simmah down now.

...

2008-05-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

i do okay most of the time,

but reading those words you wrote can still make me cry.

darn you, information age. i want to forget how i loved. there's not a lot of love i'd like to forget, but that is one that has come and gone and still feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

i think all this transition is bringing a lot of emotion to the surface... i will be happy to be on my way.

hardest part

2008-05-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

do i only write here when i'm bummed?!

haha.

will work on that in the future.

but for now-

slight rant.

i don't mind being single, it's honestly going really well.

i need it right now. i need to figure a few things out. try to get myself squared away and okay so i don't repeat some of the same mistakes and/or make permanent ones.

so, single is good.

the only part i hate (really hate)

is watching everyone else go home together

while i go home alone.

yeah, that sucks.

it just feels significant

... and lonely.

(slightly) discouraged

2008-05-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

so... i'm having a great time.

my friend heather is in from mississippi, and we're going to take a rockin' roadtrip this weekend down to see the redwoods. pictures to come, i'm sure.

however (and this is the short version) i'm feeling kinda crappy right now. while packing and re-packing some of my junk tonight, i came across my old journals. for kicks, i read some of the pages... i used to journal constantly, almost daily, and i haven't barely at all since february of last year.

it was hard, reading this stuff from just 2 years ago. 2 years- but it feels like a lifetime. i was so delusional, and that's hard to realize how far off my perception was from reality. gosh. i feel like a baby, like i'm just starting out right at this very moment, and while that's refreshing in one sense, it's also discouraging because there was just SO MUCH.

anywho. trying to not get too lost in my thoughts. i just wish it had been different.

drat (kinda)

2008-05-01T22:48:00.000-07:00

why do things always seem like they're about to get perfect right as i'm about to leave?

resident of oregon for a limited time only.

4 (ish) weeks left.

wherever you go, there you are

2008-03-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

i am in upstate ny right now, at my parent's house, wishing for a nap but working on my sister's wedding details instead. this is how i picture the next week playing out:

monday: stuff related to the wedding
tuesday: stuff related to the wedding
wednesday: stuff related to the wedding
thursday: got any guesses?

..hahaha. um, yeah. anyhow. happy easter! this morning i worshiped at my old home church and it was amazing to be there, with those people, singing praises to God for what He has done as one voice. it felt like family.

finally, i'm learning to grow in ways i've been hindered, and make decisions for the right reason. i need lots of prayer for discernment this week about something i can't talk about now but will in the future.

it's a surreal thing, coming here to watch my baby sister get married and start a family of her own. her happiness becomes my happiness when i see the two of them together- they're so excited to be married. i'll tell you all about it later.

addendum

2008-03-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

so, i was kind of halfway getting ready for bed, and why i say halfway is for when i reach a point past tired, there is no point in sleep anymore. i washed my face and took off the day's makeup; got into a favorite grey hoodie and soft navy blue pajama pants, and proceeded to use up the last of my favorite teabags and zap-fry a little leftover garlic couscous. it was pretty delish, i'm not gonna lie.

as i was halfway doing all these things i started to think about the last entry i blurted out on this space. and then i got to realizing how cliche it could sound, especially all the God talk. here's the thing though: i mean it from the most sincere, least cliche-filled space in my being. i know what it is to live a life walking with God daily and pursuing Him most, and right now i'm just not doing that. there's a void. not to mention all these strange identity-things have been recently stripped away, and heck yes that affects my spirituality. plus my brain is still struggling to wrap around events that my heart still can not. i know i so often sound melodramatic and overly complicated, but it is what it is. my brain is too simple to make sense of what my heart is being forced to digest. some of it; all of it. i was not made for a life like this and i can not rest in ignorance although some say it is bliss. my wheels never stop turning, and i will not be satisfied until something makes sense. since most of it won't; and that's something i can count on, i put my hope in nothing less than Jesus Christ and righteousness. however... if i am not putting in the time, the effort, the willingness to be following Him, where does that leave me? with questions, with loss, with confusion, with anger, with unforgiveness. yes i struggle with unforgiveness. i just confessed that to God, too. it comes in waves, but it's one of the ugly parts of me lurking just below the surface. i forgive and then this uglyness burps back up to the surface again, along with the struggles that i do not understand.

one of the hardest things for me is attempting to make sense of where i am and how i got here. where i am isn't bad; i've had so many amazing experiences and have been blessed enough with circumstances and friends and family that have brought me this far. but there are other aspects of life or WHATEVER that i feel- no, i know- i am missing out on and i do not know how to get there. i can smell these things at times, their comfort and quiet is almost within reach... but not yet. maybe it's a case of "grass is always greener", but then again, i know myself all too well. i know how lazy i can be (see above) and i know that i am an awfully slow learner. it takes me forever to listen to what God's been trying to teach me all along, so it would make sense that in some areas i'm a little behind the times. i'm not ready for those things yet.

ramble, ramble, ramble. i'll probably re-read this in the morning and question what the heck i was thinking in saying all of this out loud to more than just my leather-bound journal, i realize it sounds scattered and slightly loopy. maybe i'm putting it out here for honesty; maybe for accountability; maybe vulnerability (which is definitely something i struggle with). probably all three mooshed together and spit back out again.

something that makes sense to me, more sense than a lot of things right now are these words:

we are all hunters
hunting for something
that will make us okay...

we are made of love
all the beauty stemming from
we are made of love
and every fracture
caused by the lack of it (sleeping at last)

maybe someday, oneday will be here... and now won't be such a waiting game.

okay

2008-03-15T00:51:00.000-07:00

that was a cop-out entry. i thought i would be able to write and then i found myself here on my living room couch at one in the morning, stuck and without words. now i'm still kind of stuck but cop-outs are lame. no mas.

so here's a good thing: i got a new camera. it's lovely and charming and brilliant.

here's a not as good a thing: i'm attempting less fillers in my life. not on purpose, i think it's a God thing. but without the fillers, there are spots in my life that ache, and spots that just feel slightly alone. it's kind of painful and i'm tired of being in a painful spot. i want heaven; i want home.

here's another good thing: i go back from whence i came in t-minus 6 days! hurrah, vaca! hurrah, time with fam and friends! hurrah sister's wedding and all that jazz! hurrah.

here's not as good a thing: some things/people/crutches have been taken away (as previously mentioned) but i am failing to fill those spots with time with the Lord. i don't know what's my problem, honestly. i really and truly have been mostly ignoring God and He is right there, always, waiting for my unfaithful heart to come back to true love. why do i find people and netflix and computers and room-cleaning more fascinating than getting closer to God? i'm pretty mad at myself when i really think about it. that's stupid.

here's one last good thing: today, someone told me that i was missed like roger clemens misses steroids. i cracked up. funny, tongue-in-cheek sports analogies? ah-mazing.

'night.

i don't know how to explain, really

2008-03-15T00:50:00.001-07:00

it's just complicated.

blood is thicker than water

2008-03-03T08:56:00.001-08:00

(see above)

that's not always true.

alternating between excited and deer-in-headlights

2008-02-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

i can tell the idea is worthwhile because a) it’s a risk and b) it’s pretty frightening, in a “get-the-heck-outta-yer-comfort-zones, missy” kind of way.

home

2008-02-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

“nan. nanny. wake. up.” “ughhhh” i say in protest, but somehow my eager-beaver of a best friend interprets my barely-intelligible noise as a yes. “get up!” she enthusiastically whispers, “if you don’t hustle, we’re going to miss it!” somehow i grasp around in the dark and find flip flops. a camera. tiptoeing slowly through creaky wood floors and accidentally overlooking the loud zing the screen door makes as it springs back into place, we scramble down the stairs and towards the dock before we hear protests from anyone sleepier and saner than either of us.

the sky isn’t black anymore, but it’s not light either. without a word, each of us heads to an opposite end of the old green canoe and shove off. the air is crisp and cold but not in a winter-cold kind of way. mist is rising off of the lake that looks like solid glass. the only sounds are dozens of birds from all directions and the occasional fish that jumps straight out of the water as if to simply see what’s going on above him. we paddle in tandem out towards the center, and watch as the sky slowly starts to become a kaleidoscope of soft colors.

we make it to the big rock and tie up our boat. a few long-legged strides bring us to the tip-top of this place that faces the mountains and, (conveniently enough), the east. as we sit there side-by-side in the middle of the lake, in the middle of the most breathtaking sunrise, it was a friendship moment, a communion moment, something that even as you’re beginning to experience you feel slight pangs of missing, for you know it will not last.

kickin' it with krazy glue is kool

2008-02-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

today was my one-year anniversary with this job. whoopee. lol. to commemorate, on the docket was an arts-and-crafts project, complete with krazy glue. thirty congratulatory certificates. see illustration. tomorrow i’m bringing crayons to work and fully expecting a naptime and a juicebox. i’m just sayin’.

on another note, today was also another type of anniversary that’s even less commemoration-worthy (ha) than the one previously mentioned. i didn’t remember until halfway through the day, and once i did there were no shooting pains through my heart or tears or what-if’s. i just thought about it for a second, went “huh” and continued on my merry way, being corporate craft queen.

later, it was really great to realize that life is a lot nicer now. healing/perspective. i recommend it.

sugar and spice and everything nice

2008-02-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

today i resisted the temptation of writing about my workplace on the internet, as i remembered the wise words of dooce.com echoing somewhere in the caverns of my brain: “be ye not so stupid.” yep, people have been fired for stuff like that before. even though i’m 99.9 percent certain i can count all the people who might read this on one hand (hi, mom!) i still want to be gainfully employed. it pays the bills, son.

true confession: i just wrote two paragraphs of something and then deleted it all. waaaaaay to personal to be posting out here for those five people (hi, mom!) to read. needless to say, some people have an easy time of it in their twenties. i am not one of those people. slowly learning to embrace this idea. off to write some cheery, gooshy goodness that i’ll sprinkle around as i make the announcements at next weekend’s bridal shower in honor of my sister. this afternoon while talking about this blessed event on the phone with my mom, i made her promise that she’ll cause me significant pain if the rolling of my eyes is apparent during this 3 day pre-wedding extravaganza. pain, mom. pain. you promised.

ps, happy surprise! bill murray is in tootsie. and who doesn’t love dustin hoffman dressed up like a woman!?

to whom it may concern

2008-02-07T15:38:00.001-08:00

dear banana that is too ripe,

you are gross and i hate your guts. you are entirely too sweet in a banana-sort of way, and every time i take a bite of your mushy, bruised insides i throw up in my mouth, just a little.

were i a better woman, i would make bread outta you.

but i’m not. i’m hungry and trapped in my cube-like, fluorescently-lit prison.

so nasty fruit, you will have to do for now. however, know that you are zapping me of my will to live. wake up in the morning with that kind of guilt. i think my tastebuds are permanently damaged.

love,
me

somebody's baby

2008-02-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

jon foreman

she yells, "if you were homeless
sure as hell you'd be drunk
or high or trying to get there
or begging for junk
when people don't want you
they just throw you money for beer."

her name was november
she went by autumn or fall
it was seven long years
since the autumn when all
of her nightmares grew fingers
and all of her dreams grew a tear

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

she screams, "well if you've never
gone it alone
well then go ahead you better
throw the first stone
you got one lonely stone
waiting to bring to her knees."

she dreams about heaven
remembering hell
as a nightmare she visits
and knows all too well
every now and again
when she's sober she brushes her teeth

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

today was her birthday
strangely enough
when the cops found her body
at the foot of the bluff
the anonymous caller this morning
tipped off the police
they got her I.D.
from her dental remains
the same fillings intact
the same nicotine stains
the birth and the death
were both over
with no one to grieve

she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
she's somebody's baby
somebody's baby girl
and she's somebody's baby still

do you remember...

2008-02-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

... when i had the flu for three days and then on a quiet saturday morning, a pipe burst and flooded the basement?

oh you don't? well i do- 'cause it just happened. lol.

quite the eventful weekend. however, here's the good news.

1) i think i'm getting better. finally. :) that's a freaking miracle, 'cause i've been sick as a dog.

2) the pipe fiasco could've been a lot worse. thankfully, both of my roommates were home, so this weak/sick chick didn't have to clean up three inches of water off the floor all by her lonesome. :)

3) the pipe is fixed, water cleaned up, and no real damage was done.

4) from being so under the weather this past week, i think i've lost the ten pounds i put on over the holidays!! haha, okay that's so wrong. but seriously. lol.

onto another topic:

i've been thinking on how to write about this pre-screening i went to for a documentary called Lord, save us from your followers which impacted me hugely. however, still thinking. i just can't seem to externalize all the thoughts and convicting moments in my heart. so, i'm still working on that.

however, on another ENTIRELY DIFFERENT note, here's a quote i recently found in a book that hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way):

"...forgiveness does not create a relationship. unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. when you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."
william p. young

it's too much to explain in a blog post written by a slightly-feverish and exhausted person. but to me- that quote is really profound.

is evil a choice?

2008-01-29T06:33:00.000-08:00

"the lesser of the two evils."

um... i'm having a problem with that phrase.

IS there a lesser evil? i think okay, there are some areas that are grey and can't be called right or wrong. but with two situations that are clearly wrong, is it justifiable to pick one?

please let me know your thoughts. i'm seriously wrestling with this idea. and putting myself in the hot seat, remembering when i picked an evil and thought it was somehow... better.

no. not bryan. RYAN.

2008-01-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

this weekend was such a mixed bag! man oh man, i can never see these things coming.

first off, i saw ryan adams in concert on friday. no, not bryan. don't talk about the summer of '69, or everything i do (i do it for you). not at all cheesy late 80's/early 90's pop... no, we're talking actual rock and roll. if you're one of those people that don't know what i'm talking about, go look him up. my favorite from friday night was "stars go blue." he's a genius, you won't be sorry. i loved the concert, every minute. well, except for the 10-minute jam sessions. yes mr. adams, i understand you're a fantastic guitarist/songwriter- but chill out, man. ha. anywho, the backdrop for the show was a desert theme, complete with cacti, cowboy hats, and lighting bright and colorful enough to put new mexico to shame. all in all, a great experience. my friend sophie is the much prettier female version of ryan adams in regards to appearance, and from what i hear she stood in line to meet him afterwards. for those who've never seen him, picture this: short, dark brown hair. messy. short in height. cute, but ferocious. lol. all in all, a good time. i can't complain.

in contrast, today i was dealt one of the more painful blows to my heart that i can remember in months past. it had nothing to do with a boy or a romantic relationship, but instead with friendship, who you allow to dictate your life, and the idea of respect. of course i'm one of those people that can "take one for the team" and so i did, agreeing to their proposition, stepping back, sacrificing... not allowing myself to feel the full ramifications until i was by myself with the curtains drawn in my bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, crying and praying and trying to dig deep. all in all, the people that made this request of me had no idea what it eventually meant. after i wandered through the day half-lost and half-aware, i eventually pieced myself together via 2 hours in a bubble bath, a bottle of wine, and half a pint of ice cream. a little cliche, but that's what it took.

as i was sitting in the bath, watching the bubbles dissolve into flat paisley patterns across the surface of the water, i silently half-prayed and half-vented, and finally came to the conclusion that i see the Lord's kindness in these things that don't at all seem kind. i have prayed for clarity, and boy... do i ever have eyes to see. i hate this time of my life where there has been so much stripped away, but more than anything i am longing for transformation and my gut tells me that this is what it takes. boot camp if you will, for the sake of the rest of my life. that word, transformation, was used by a rwandan pastor with a movie star smile in my thursday night class, and something in my head just clicked tonight and suddenly made a whole lot of sense. when i think of transformation i think of a complete 180; fresh start; beautiful beginning; altering what once was into what should be. this is what i need. my soul is tired of what has been and the only redemption can be found in Christ alone, who was and is and is to come. transformation; that anyone's only hope.

timely

2008-01-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

but he said to me, "my grace is suffiient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. for the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamaties. for when i am weak, then i am strong.

(2 cor. 12:9&10)

redemptive colors

2008-01-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

so i just came back from a rather random type of gathering of random types of friends at a local thai place i'd never been to before. do you know how it feels when you are kinda not SUPER enthused about going somewhere and then it ends up being almost the best time ever? that's exactly how it was. really great food, a delish raspberry mint mojito and some amazing conversation later, i can't really recall the last time i had that much fun. it was just a really incredible way to begin a weekend, and i'm thankful for it. yup yup, i am indeed.

after driving home i walked into my house, still in my "causual friday" workclothes (which frankly, are not all that casual), and the stray-turned-pet kitty was one step ahead and beat me inside. i don't know how she does it, but almost everytime one of us comes back to the house she's waiting at the doorstep, little black nose pressed against the wall, waiting anxiously to be let back into warmth and shelter. we both walked in, and immediately she began begging for my attention. i'm not even really a cat person, but that little purr-y breathing and the silky soft head butting against my face is just the sweetest thing and instantly melts away any and every anti-cat feeling i've had these past 25 years.

all of this doesn't really have to do with anything except for right at this moment, i am so happy. this is such a struggle-filled time of life for me- gains and losses; trust misplaced and trust regained; my footing is sure and at the same time very much in transition. there's so much left to be decided, and so many decisions i have recently made. but for now, my tummy is full of good food, against my shoulder is a little black furry thing that mews, and i see potential in situations around me.

i am a woman of associations... songs, colors, feelings- you name it. if it somehow is attached to something concrete, odds are good i can remember a taste or a feeling or a person who reminds me of that thing. maybe that's why i've had this dension whitmer song on repeat in my car:

how you found me out
i still never understand
thoughts you can't take with you when you go
you were waving flags that bear the colors of your love
i didn't know

orange for the vineyards
blue is for the rivers
green goes like a hillside covered now
white is not surrender
despite what you've been told
it's clouds of hope

that fall on you now
save you now

maybe right now at this stage of the game, there are circumstances that may seem like one thing, but in reality... are clouds of hope.

that fall on me now.

i love that thought.

since we're (i'm) talking about food, let's take it one step further

2008-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

there have been plenty of thoughts lately, lots of subjects like friendships (some gone good and some, sadly, gone bad), incredible mothers, radical and passionate people, my life, my lack of life, ways that i do things right and ways that i do things wrong, the fact that my sister will not share my last name in like two months and how that is WEIRD, people with willpower that i admire, my current addiction to the show alias on dvd, my charming roomate that never understands the proper use of the word "touche" but delights in using it anyway, being a hermit and how appealing that currently feels, etc.

but

it's kinda like alphabet soup. a bunch of letters floating around, not a lot of coherent sentances.

sometimes life is just like that.

swiss, provolone, bleu, etc.

2008-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

when i think about writer's block, i think about cheese. a big, yellow, block of cheese.

i don't know why. i can't even EAT cheese.

maybe it's metaphorical?

on a lighter note

2008-01-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

weather update: this afternoon the sun shined in oregon, for maybe 2 hours. it was delicious.

it made me wonder about other climates in other parts of the world i may be living in at some point in the future. i think i need a transition spot between the overcast-ness of oregon and the constant sunshine of africa. :) otherwise my poor body might not know how to process all that warmth. i might just cook right up. lol.

okkkkkk. it's 2:50am. time to stop writing and start sleeping. g'nite.

(don't change) your plans for me

2008-01-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

i don't enjoy being harshly judged- for my life, for my thoughts. for a day when i may have felt something that (actually...) i don't feel currently and hadn't felt to that extent before. i don't enjoy feeling like i have to watch how i exsist just to please somebody who will never be happy because they simply can not have what they want, and there's not a thing i can do to change that.

well, c'mon... who does?

the only thing i can say is that i'm in progress, still moving and growing, and i'll be darned if i'm not doing the best i can.

i think if i had "words to the wise" tonight (which i don't, really... in general, i'm kind of all out of words.) they would be as follows: don't expect me to be perfect, or perfectly what you want. unfortunately, i'll fail miserably. see above, i'm only a person in progress. all i can do is be responsible to a) God and b) myself since that is who i answer to for the decisions i've made. lastly (which is a good rule of thumb all around!): don't base your life on the internet. don't base it on a single posting you read or on a feeling or an assumption. if that's what you choose to do, you are only hurting yourself.

all i can do is what i can do and the rest, my dear, is up to you. wish i could've explained this in a phone call, but i guess that's not what you need. wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can not be what you need to feel okay about yourself or your life. i never have been enough for that. i'm honestly doing the best that i can but i will not try to change myself for you, my life is my business and God's. i have nothing to hide and i've done nothing wrong.

wow... it took me long enough to get to that conclusion.

scrub away all these thoughts that i think (of you)

2007-12-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

there have been days lately when i've felt abit melancholy. maybe not whole days but parts of days when things or people or holidays or shooting stars or bob dylan lines remind me of you. deep down i know it's best that we're not where we were, but at the same time there have only been two people i've had this weird experience with, of being so close to, so trusting of, and so "right" alongside. the first one, back in highschool, was a good friend and he never knew, we never crossed that friendship line, but you definitely did. you had my whole being right in the palm of your hand. looking back, now i know that much trust was probably unwise of me to give. i wish i had more courage to say and be even more myself when we were what we were. i didn't want to rush things or pressure you, but then again, even from day one i had a premonition of sorts that i'd lose you and was scared to do or say something to drive you away. it's easy for me to blame myself for everything even though logically i know it's not my fault.

i'm a great car dancer these days, you'd be proud. i break it down like it's 1999 without exception. i wish we could bomb around this town with no cares and a world of adventure ahead, and i wonder what it would've been like if i had said "yes" instead of a firm "no" earlier this past summer. there are different types of loves in life, and i just don't know how to label you or make you realize how special you were. are. once we talked about your belief that there is no right "one", as long as basic beliefs and such line up with a member of the opposite sex, you could marry anyone and be perfectly happy. at the time i agreed with you, but now i'm not so sure. loving you has taken a part of me with you, oh so far away, and i'm not sure i'll be able to love like that again. i hope that a wonderful man oneday proves me wrong, but so many months later i still found myself watching the vermont scenery zip by on a cold december evening and turned my head away so that no one else would see the tears for you that i couldn't contain as they slowly escaped and ran down my face.

it's amazing to realize the power to change so many lives stemming from one choice on an early december night. this is all a bunch of nonsense and i'm not expecting these words to do a thing, they're just words and you are a mystery, far away and otherwise attached. i'm anxious for a fresh start and a new year, because even though a day doesn't really make a difference, 2008 has no attachment to you at all, and i need a year without you in it.

integrity

2007-12-27T19:06:00.001-08:00

who am i when nobody's watching?

goodbye, hello

2007-12-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

to sum up 2007: lesson learned.

welcome, 2008. you seem like you will be a fine year- i hope to do you justice.

oregon weather at christmastime is touchy and tempermental, like a woman who gravitates towards the prerogative to change her mind. maybe it's because i am such a woman that i can appreciate the indecisiveness. :) all day it's been pouring buckets followed by dashes of sunlight, then clouds, then drips, finally a little blue sky. however, i love the unpredictability and the change. it's a small spot of adventure for this heart who longs to see more than the four walls of an office. what would i do without my window to watch the weather and the time pass by?

inbetween the raindrops, christmas lights sparkle around house trim and front yards and green trees found in living rooms… pretty much any surface that is deemed decoratable. days are merry and bright, and even the most scrooge-like people i know have something to smile about. christmas is full of secrets and wishes and promise. my family will be together again, and i'll do my best to make six days seem longer than they actually are. do you hear what i hear? a small vacation, time on the east coast, mom's homemade cinnamon rolls and time with a new brother-in-law. that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

mishmash

2007-12-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

on the way home, i made a quasi-impulsive choice to stop at new seasons (a local grocery chain) and pick up a vegan cupcake. this decision only qualifies as "quasi-impulsive" because i'd been mulling it over all night and really only pretended that it was not my plan all along. :) as i was wandering through this store, full of normal food types of things PLUS the not-normal, quirky and artsy portland-esque randomness, i thought about how i wish i had more money to buy some of this stuff. i'm certainly not destitute, but there are times when i feel slightly poor while living in this amazing city which offers all these beautiful things to be purchased and worn and played with.

then i thought about a friend, who earlier tonight talked about HIS friend (who happens to be a pretty well-known writer), and how the well-known guy was saying that writing just hasn't been that easy since he got to be not-poor.

which made me glad that i was still poor. and also reminded me of the fact that i don't think i could do a good job with lots of money. which made me hope to always be poor.

to me, having lots of money and doing a good job with it would mean giving most of it away. i mean, seriously. what if you made six figures and CHOSE to live off of $35,000? in most places, that's plenty. think of how much you could give away to people who didn't have a place to sleep or clean clothes to wear or food to eat. however, i don't really trust myself and so i hope the Lord will keep me not in abundance of money because i'd be quite tempted to live comfortably and forget about those who are not.

other thoughts that i'm brainstorming over and have been all day: many people in other parts of the world have ONE meal a day. most of us get three. what if we somehow shared so that everybody got two? there are ways this could be done and i'm just storming and storming and mulling some more. pipe up if you have any good input.

tea for one, and one for tea

2007-12-06T17:31:00.001-08:00

when it comes to finding the right mug, fit is everything. i sit at my desk (aka “cube jail”) and stop working for half a moment. my left hand wraps around this mug and slips under the handle, while the right hand holds closer to the base. fingertips touching, just fingertips- it’s too hot still for palms. every few seconds i dare the face of my hand closer and closer until it’s painful, then inch away again. warmth. wonderful warmth. elbows bent, i draw the tea up to my face and breathe. mmmmmm. coffee always smells better than it tastes, but tea? tea is rarely a letdown. two fingers play with the tag as i draw the mug closer towards me. this mug truly is a work of art, for it has a little lip that fits perfectly right above mine. i breathe out, and then skim the top so that a little sip slides right down and warms me all the way through. “what caveman genius in his cave thought of this?” i wonder to myself. whoever he might be, i’d like to shake his hand.

love is not a vict'ry march

2007-12-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

...it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

if i had a one-time-only, ultimate mixtape kind of thingy, this leonard cohen song would definitely take priority as track one. well, nevermind. everybody (meaning my sister and i) knows that tracks 5 or 7 on a cd tend to be the best; so maybe this would come and hit one of the numbers somewhere inbetween four and eight. i can't decide exactly why it's one of my favorites but it always has been. right now i'm listening to an over the rhine cover with piano and voice as only they can- which makes it even more beautiful in that haunting sort of way it should be. goosebumps.

oddly enough, the song kind of goes along with what i was thinking about today. love. romantic love, friendship love, love of healthy things and love that makes you sick inside. true love. God love. love that you'll never completely erase even though you scrub at it 'til you're almost raw. love that bleeds anger when you cut it. love that makes you want to love people that are wounded and starving and homeless and penniless. this kind of love that i feel in so many different ways for so many different people is not always pleasant. it's not easy. i don't always know how to handle it, i don't know how to not abuse it. i don't know how to keep it from driving me crazy as i spend each day of my current life making more money so i can get up the next day and... make more money.

no- this isn't making sense, and yes- i am talking about 500 jillion different sets of circumstances that are exploding my heart.

what i really want to say- it kind of reminds me of a cold and broken hallelujah.

hallelujah.

the least of these

2007-11-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

on wednesday nights, i hand out socks.

they're nothing special, but they're clean and warm and black (which i guess stay looking nicer longer than white ones)... and i walk around downtown as a part of a motley crew made up of 3-13 people, depending on the week. we all go to the same church on sunday, but on wednesdays wander throughout portland, handing out socks and other things in order to find a way to start conversations and build relationships.

do you ever notice homeless people on the side of the street? they're easy to miss. easy because it's nicer to pretend they're not there and they're not people, just like you and me or your daughter or your best friend from third grade. it's easy to pull out the excuse of safety in order to not reach out- after all, you never know which one might pull out a knife or a gun and just go all violent, to try and take your purse or wallet. it's easier to keep your eyes forward, head up, look confident, and to not even acknowledge their pleas for spare change.

however, these people without homes were made in the image of God. like your mom or dad, favorite neighbor, or younger sibling, their value can't be measured.

they're people.

tonight i want to tell you about amber, the girl/woman we met outside of rite-aid earlier in the year. i think the first time i remember seeing her was in the summertime, where the homeless population is abuzz with transient train-hoppers and hitchhikers and warmth and smells. our motley crew meets more people in the warm months, but most of them come and go quickly; we don't really have an opportunity to get to know them.

it's hard to love somebody when you don't know them.

amber, on the other hand, was almost always in front of rite aid with her crew. my friend jenni connected with her really easily but soon the rest of my group all knew and loved her. she stood no taller than 5'2", medium build, long, frizzy brown hair and gaps where some of her teeth should be. i remember her raspy voice that was almost always made worse by a constant headcold, and how sweet yet gravelly it sounded when she looked over and said, "hello, darlin'!" as she recognized your face. her blue hoodie would be pulled up to cover most of her hair and as she greeted you her arms would automatically reach out for a sincere, warmth-filled embrace. i really appreciate when people know how to hug well, and amber gave great hugs.

from spending less than an hour with her once a week, we learned about her two kids, a boy and a girl, that she loved and thought about all the time but at the same time knew she couldn't be a good mom to them as she was. they hadn't been taken away from her by the state but she left them with her aunt, and wanted to try and piece herself back together for their sake. according to a cop my friend michael talked to, she had been a fixture here, living on the streets of portland for about 3 years. we also found out that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer and was using alcohol to deal with the pain. we kept up on how she was doing and encouraged her to show up for the doctor appointment she had finally made to (hopefully) schedule a surgery. she was then turned down for the oregon health plan... and so everything related to that surgery was put on hold indefinitely even though cancer isn't something that waits for better health care options.

through a random connection and a divine appointment of sorts for one of my group's members, he told amber's story to a city councilman who gave him a phone number and then followed through and found money in the county for situations just like these. an emergency family fund of sorts for people who make their bedroom under the burnside bridge and their living space right past pioneer square. my friend jenni helped amber make appointment after appointment and became her voice when amber's frustrations with the process became too much to handle. through it all, the diagnosis was re-confirmed, and the cancer was still operable. it looked hopeful, so hopeful.

amber always said there wasn't a lot she wouldn't do, but she refused to do drugs. however, when she was REALLY drunk, there wasn't a lot of reason left. last night while amber was really wasted and hanging around the wrong types of people, she accidentally overdosed on something she shot up. such a hopeful situation now seems like a waste- i don't even know what to say here because it's so strange that she's gone. this beautiful- yet to many, repulsive- piece of humanity stopped breathing, stopped being.

i was thinking about the last time i saw her. she had definitely been drinking and i could smell the alcohol from a few feet away. we talked about a lot of different things, and in the middle of telling me about the latest with her on-again off-again boyfriend and her new haircut (which was somewhat impulsive :)), she stopped, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that she loved me. that's never happened with any of the people i've met and spent time with on the streets- most of them are hardened, guarded, frightened, and definitely looking out for number one. not her. i gave her a quick hug and told her that i loved her too, although looking back now i don't think i loved her as well as i could have. there's this quote that my friend tim (who's the leader of this motley bunch) sent out to all of us a few days ago, before any of this had happened. the main point of the quote is, "what do i love when i love my God?" just now matthew 25:40 came to my mind and i looked it up online in a few different versions:

(the message) Matthew 25: 37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'"

let's work harder at loving God this way.

please pray for amber's son and daughter, who are around 5 and 7 years old.

please pray for her boyfriend, keith. they had been having problems recently and apparently after watching amber die, he flipped out, tore up her stuff with a razor blade, and ran away from his friends. last we heard no one knew what happened to him.

please also keep in your prayers the community of homeless kids and twentysomethings that knew and loved her. there will be such a temptation for them to use more than they already do. please pray that amber's death will cause them to seek a reason to live, and that the Lord would draw them to Himself.

think/thank/thunk

2007-11-23T01:11:00.000-08:00

older and wiser hurts, man.

just saying. (it really does.)

on the upside, God is speaking to my heart through people in my life that kick my behind. i love it. i'm thankful for them in ways that i can't even put into words.

currently praying for:
grace
strength
more wisdom
humility
more buttkickings
direction
vision
a tender and teachable heart
etc.

i may have to refer to the list above on a daily basis. okay, 2 or 3 times daily. we are forgetful creatures...

ps! my immediate family comes home from guatemala on saturday. this makes me SO happy. being incommunicado with them for most of the week has made me realize how much i appreciate the invention of cell phones and email. wowwww. yesindeedy i do.

to whom it may concern

2007-11-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

please meet me here (tonight), at the city of books. it’ll be such fun, exploring together. from time to time, we’ll find a quiet corner to claim as our own and read bits of beautiful literature until we want to burst from the sheer joy found in those few sentences strung together.

afterwards, i promise: i'll treat to a delicious cup of tea.

look for the girl in the blue-and-gray argyle sweater, scarf around her neck and camera bag over her shoulder. find me there and we'll go adventuring.

tut-tut, it looks like rain

2007-11-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

(maybe just maybe thinking of eeyore made me perk up today. just a little. :))

“it's snowing still," said eeyore gloomily.
"so it is."
"and freezing."
"is it?"
"yes," said eeyore. "however," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
a.a. milne

stormy weather

2007-11-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

i can’t figure out if it’s a) the dreary fall in the pacific northwest, b) missing my family as they’re all in guatemala together for the thanksgiving holiday, or c) just not feeling very cordial towards my life at the moment… but all i can think about today are those words. words that melted like threads of cotton candy, vaporizing in an instant under a hint of rain. in the end… i’m worse off than if they’d never been spoken. they didn’t mean anything at all to the author and meanwhile, i’d been hanging on every syllable.

and my arms ache, from holding on

enough. my arms and my heart are tired.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

2007-11-18T15:03:00.001-08:00

it's funny how we try to run from pain.

suffering, more than an ounce of sadness, can creep up on you in a heartbeat and soon we find ourselves looking for something- anything- to get out of that place. sleep it off, drink it off, pretend it away.

however... sometimes we are called to suffer.

sometimes satan wants to lure us out of that place, away from feeling that pain, with promises of an easier fix if we walk away from pressing into God.

i guess you could say i remembered the right perspective after hearing this morning's sermon. you can find it at imagodeicommunity.com if you might be suffering too and want to know what i'm talking about.

it's strange and sounds almost tweaky to people who don't have a relationship with Jesus, but nothing we ever go through is bigger than He is. our refuge, our everpresent help in times of trouble. His name is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are saved. there's beauty found in the places of suffering, a strength that is beyond what we are capable of on our own.

my declaration of twenty-fifthness

2007-11-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

a very rainy portland night. i drove to a local coffeeshop to meet my friend chris. over tea, (neither of us ever drink coffee during these regularly scheduled counseling/mentoring/friendship-ings), hashed over some events of the week and the thoughts rolling through my brain. it was good. then i hopped into my black toyota and turned the music up loud while my windshield wipers worked overtime. somehow my car ended up at rimsky's, which was closer to my house than i'd realized. it was the perfect place to sit, think, journal, and read. quirky waitstaff, twinkly and flickering lights, homemade desserts and art projects hanging from... everywhere... that look like they're the result of too many late nights, a few drinks, and silly experimentation. it made for a lovely evening. i'd been thinking about it all day, this upcoming start of my 25th year. i thought about the phrase "quarter life crisis", and how i don't think that's going to happen to me. not because i'm exempt, but because i had that crisis a year ahead of time. :) instead of something crisis-like, who am i at this point, and what do i want to focus on being?

this is (a start).

i'm very different than i was at the start of my 24th year. much has been scraped away and revealed in ways that were and are hard to swallow- yet i'm thankful. in many ways that leaves a blank slate, a true beginning for who i want to be in my adult life. a balance between the extremes of naieve and hardened. more loving, less selfish. appreciative of the journey while still focused on the goal. passionate about things that are actually worth it- truth. justice. mercy. open to situations and people that may be outside of my realm of expectations, while cautious and wise instead of reckless and impulsive. not letting insecurities define how i handle myself or who i become. taking every thought captive to obey Christ. a student in life... not wanting to repeat mistakes or destructive patterns, but taking the time and space needed to really learn. in order to learn, leaving space in my day to "be" instead of always "doing." to listen, and really love people in ways that make them feel loved. to have the grace to keep silent when i should and the courage to speak when i shouldn't. commitment and integrity in situations where it would be easy to flake. allowing the Lord and others into parts of me that are my mess... and at the same time allowing a mess to become my message. choosing to trust God especially when it's the last thing i want to do. crossing more bridges when i come to them- figuratively AND literally. giving thanks instead of complaining. blessing instead of cursing.

25 is "real" grownup time. sure, i could play around with excuses for my choices (or lack thereof) for another couple of years if i wanted to... but what for? life is now, today, not tomorrow when it could potentially be easier. there's such an excitement buzzing around my head in this moment, because an opportunity to choose who i will allow myself to become is a gift. different instead of the same... happy birthday to me.

shrinking violets and beautiful people

2007-11-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wish i could watch certain parts of life only through my camera lens, so that i could have a legitimate excuse to just watch. i love to “do”, and believe me, i do plenty, but the quiet, more introverted side of me just aches to take a step back from the swirling mass of people and loudness and DOING… and just watch. absorb. be.

today at work i am all dolled up. tailored clothes that fit like a glove. classy colors. lipstick. after being here an hour i’ve already gotten three compliments and while that’s nice, i can’t help but think about those verses in first peter that talk about the value of inner beauty. it’s so easy to only become focused on what we can see.

what would it look like to compliment people on their character instead of only their looks?

in my heart, i want to register more than what meets the eye.

no stars or dots

2007-11-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

today was junk.

by mid-afternoon, i had come to the very logical conclusion that yes, i am dead on the inside. right before leaving work i opened my email to find one from my mom. she closed the letter with the none-to-subtle, "have you read your bible yet? if not, read psalm 20. it's what i've been praying for all of us today."

okay, mom. but it's hard to read your bible when you're dead on the inside.

on the way home i stop by a favorite cafe and pick up a piece of vegan mocha ganache cake. night of depressive indulgence, (round two), coming right up. before i turn on some meaningless television so i can lose myself in other people's fantasy lives, i pull the little gray bible out of my bag. psalm 20. read it. okay, it's good. i keep going. backwards. psalm 19. i stop and re-read about a dozen times when i hit this part right here:

the law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. the testimony of the LORD is right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether... by them is your servant warned; in keeping them is great reward. who can discern his errors? declare me innocent from hidden faults. keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me!

okay, maybe i'm a little less dead. but i still hate my life.

i mope around abit with my ganache and a local brew until i feel full and pour the rest down the drain. my sweet roommate comes home and asks me what is wrong. i start to tell her, and then (completely unlike myself) end up saying that i don't want to talk about it. seriously. i'll just become a sniffling mess. she says okay, gives me a hug, and looks up a ricky martin song that she remembers being good. i say there is no such song. i am right. ricky martin leads to william hung on itunes. we laugh. that's just kind of how we are.

she helps me hang the newly framed poster of my favorite band. karin and linford both look exquisite in this photograph, full of mystery and old-world artsyness. she senses i am still out of it, and says that she knows what i need. we go into her bedroom and she pulls a max lucado children's book from the shelf. she orders me to sit still for a minute and look at the pictures while she reads, so we settle in and learn all about wemmicks. they keep placing silly judgments on each other's value. stars and dots, stars and dots. by the end of the story i understand the moral and maybe also understand what i need just a little bit more.

maybe i'm not dead on the inside. (not yet).

maybe... it's just a little cold in there. i think i need to take some time to sit by the Master in order to thaw out.

true grit

2007-11-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

get some.

complaining

2007-11-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

darn you, daylight savings. it's 4:41pm, i'm still in the office, and now it's almost dark. you are stinky like 3-cheese-and-garlic pizza breath on a fat old man.

i'm glad we're okay even though we're not "ok"

2007-11-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

this weekend was pretty dang eventful.

1) my one and only baby sister got engaged on friday night. it's an event she knew was on its way, but for multiple reasons had been delayed a few times and she was struggling with being patient. :) however, fiiiinally, her now-fiance jordan popped the question at a very nice restaurant on his birthday this past weekend. i'm so thankful that it's a situation where i can be really, genuinely happy for her... because i love her more than anybody else in the whole wide world and i'd be pretty awfully overprotective if she wanted to marry a scumbag. :) however, he's not a scumbag, and i'm looking forward to getting to know him better when i go visit new york over christmas. i've never had a brother!

sidenote, this union (and possible future children) really takes the pressure off me to produce grandchildren. i'm not gonna lie, it's a good thing. ::grin::

2) my roommate sarah and i drove to seattle for the day on saturday and had a great time bombing around town. there were no "events" to speak of, just wandering around and enjoying different parts of the city. she spent almost 2 years going to school up there, and it was nice to be wandering with someone who knew what she was doing.

3) i have the sweetest dad. it's strange, my dad and i weren't really close at all when i was growing up, but God has restored a lot between us and i love the ways he looks to take care of me, even as a grown woman. i was on the phone with him on my way into work, and he asked if it was difficult that my (much) younger sister was going to marry before i was. c'mon; how sweet and considerate is that?! i assured him that i'm not at all hurt/envious/etc. and have never been the type to be that way- whenever friends (and now my sister) find happiness in relationships and marriage, i'm sincerely thrilled for them. that is that. :)

4) tonight, i'm going to start to write a letter. it's been a long time coming, but i need to buckle down and make it happen... for my own peace of mind.

a personal favorite

2007-11-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

"to choose a spouse, find someone who is flawlessly kind but has an incredibly strong backbone. see also: marry him only if you will be proud when your child turns out just like him."
found originally on mightygirl

one

2007-11-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

con: i used to have plans for tonight, but now i have nothing to do.

pro: i used to have plans for tonight, but now i have nothing to do!

mixed emotions? really? no, not really. :)

2007, i dub thee, "year of the breakup"

2007-10-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

anyone that has known me for at least five years knows that (as a rule) i don't date much. my first serious relationship was a little over two years ago, but since that time i haven't been single for long. in the 10 months that have passed in 2007, i've been one-half of three breakups. although that isn't "too much" for some people, i am on overload and have about had it with all of dis crapola. seeeeeriously. while i do want to be married and have babies, (and never EVER pictured myself still being single by my mid-twenties), i'm starting to get the hint. this is not what i need to be focusing on right now. as a quick recap, in order of which they occured, here's a quick description of the 3 failures (successes?):

Guy #1) deceptive and disastrous, i try to forget.

Guy #2) more of a rebound than i'd like to admit.

Guy #3) (thankfully) this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

the funny thing is, i'm happy with my life. i like it. there's no void i'm trying to fill, nothing is missing. i'm growing and learning... i have much farther to go. don't get me wrong, i really want to "do life" with somebody else. however, i want to trust God more than i want to have and to hold from this day forward. we only see a dim reflection of what the bigger picture will oneday be. if God says no (for now or forever), that's okay. i'll wait.

(don't) stop the madness

2007-10-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."-jack kerouac

normal people can't seem to make sense of the mad ones. they look over, and with a concerned tone and a furrowed brow, make pleasant suggestions which are more within the bounds of traditional american life. they speak of things like "a phase", as though someone who is mad by kerouac's standards could just be going through a passionately nontraditional period. a disease, a cancer to be cured. they look at a person like chris mccandless and call him a stupid boy to have been so unprepared and later died as a result. they won't understand this, but were he alive to defend his choices, he probably wouldn't want to live any other way.

sparkly, exploding, breath-catching-in-your-throat fireworks don't often burn for very long periods of time. however, eighty "safe" years on earth is a cheap substitute for truly living out who you were created to be.

when your mind's made up

2007-10-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes in life,
there are things bigger than you and me.

emotions felt: sad, scared, confused, drained... yet hopeful.

he asked me a question: "what is the one thing you're most looking forward to in the future?"

"the unknown," i answered.

nothing could be more true.

leave me alone?

2007-10-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

there are some days (like today) when i think about the days past when i thought the best.

lol. are ya' tracking with me? :)

i read this photographer's blog once where she said something about struggling with capturing a specific moment because the surroundings were so incredibly chaotic and crazy; she was overstimulated and couldn't think clearly enough to frame the picture she wanted to capture. what she said made so much sense to me because i am the same way in photography. today i was realizing the same can be said about my brain, my life.

simplicity is so difficult to achieve, especially with the life i lead right now. almost every moment is filled and scheduled, yet still there are things that never get done. i feel as though i was made for something other than this. right now, as is, my mind's a blank.

i eat doritos in the morning

2007-10-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

yeah, i know. that's mildly weird. :)

in other news, i think this year holds a new record for me. i started listening to christmas music on september 15th instead of waiting until halloween. i know most don't pull it out until after thanksgiving, but a month is just not long enough!

work is busy. life is busy.

world views

2007-10-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

i saw the darjeeling limited this past weekend. it was delish. the sibling relationships in this movie made me grin. i'm slightly ashamed to admit- if my sister were to have the patience to watch a wes anderson film, she’d pick owen wilson’s character as (at times) a dead ringer for the kind of overly ::coughcough::involvedprotectivecontrolling oldest sibling that i can be. :) it was really funny. i swear, the passports would just be safer if i held them all. ha.

anywho, besides the charming characters and typical wes anderson quirkiness, i watched the film and absolutely wished i were in india. now. tomorrow. yesterday. i want to see, smell, feel. it made me think of this hannah girl who i call friend. what is she doing today?

overall the past three days were both amazing and awful. i’m currently caught between dreams (of places and people that i do not know) and fears (that i may lose something pretty one-of-a-kind). i can’t decide if i’ll make a decision, and i’d really rather think about something else.

"counseling" with chris

2007-10-12T10:07:00.001-07:00

"the wise man learns from other's mistakes, the smart man from his own, and the fool just never learns."
chris f.'s brother

why

2007-10-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

short version: i miss writing.

a little bit longer: i used to blog, quite a bit actually. before the days of myspace and facebook, i used a livejournal account. later i set up a blog on myspace and used that as the main medium in which to wear my heart on the internet's sleeve.

however.

from time to time i'd look back on what i'd written and get really irritated at myself for a) grammatical errors b) repetative themes or c) mistakes i'd made and then documented for everyone else to see. ha ha. i fear a chronic case of open mouth, insert foot will plague me forever. :)

after those particular re-reading sessions where i'd start out feeling nostalgic and end up self-critical, the writing would stop for awhile or at times i'd go through and delete the whole shebang, pretending that if i couldn't see it anymore it must have never exsisted in the first place.

last night a wonderful man began teaching me the basic elements of blues dancing, and each time i wouldn't quite catch on to a step or a twirl, my feelings were that of intense frustration because i didn't do it all perfectly the first time.

it is silly- (and to add in this disclaimer: i'm not a perfectionist about everything) i am a lot harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. as i begin putting thoughts out there in this space, i will try to take my writing with a grain of salt and i hope that you, dear reader, will do the same.

i am just a girl, prone to wandering and happy for the freedom to do so.

i guess this is what i mean

2007-10-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

"that wondrous second wind, the indian summer, attains its amplitude and heavenly perfection- the temperatures, the sunny haze; the mellow, rich, delicate, almost flavoured air: enough to live- enough to merely be."
walt whitman