addendum

so, i was kind of halfway getting ready for bed, and why i say halfway is for when i reach a point past tired, there is no point in sleep anymore. i washed my face and took off the day's makeup; got into a favorite grey hoodie and soft navy blue pajama pants, and proceeded to use up the last of my favorite teabags and zap-fry a little leftover garlic couscous. it was pretty delish, i'm not gonna lie.

as i was halfway doing all these things i started to think about the last entry i blurted out on this space. and then i got to realizing how cliche it could sound, especially all the God talk. here's the thing though: i mean it from the most sincere, least cliche-filled space in my being. i know what it is to live a life walking with God daily and pursuing Him most, and right now i'm just not doing that. there's a void. not to mention all these strange identity-things have been recently stripped away, and heck yes that affects my spirituality. plus my brain is still struggling to wrap around events that my heart still can not. i know i so often sound melodramatic and overly complicated, but it is what it is. my brain is too simple to make sense of what my heart is being forced to digest. some of it; all of it. i was not made for a life like this and i can not rest in ignorance although some say it is bliss. my wheels never stop turning, and i will not be satisfied until something makes sense. since most of it won't; and that's something i can count on, i put my hope in nothing less than Jesus Christ and righteousness. however... if i am not putting in the time, the effort, the willingness to be following Him, where does that leave me? with questions, with loss, with confusion, with anger, with unforgiveness. yes i struggle with unforgiveness. i just confessed that to God, too. it comes in waves, but it's one of the ugly parts of me lurking just below the surface. i forgive and then this uglyness burps back up to the surface again, along with the struggles that i do not understand.

one of the hardest things for me is attempting to make sense of where i am and how i got here. where i am isn't bad; i've had so many amazing experiences and have been blessed enough with circumstances and friends and family that have brought me this far. but there are other aspects of life or WHATEVER that i feel- no, i know- i am missing out on and i do not know how to get there. i can smell these things at times, their comfort and quiet is almost within reach... but not yet. maybe it's a case of "grass is always greener", but then again, i know myself all too well. i know how lazy i can be (see above) and i know that i am an awfully slow learner. it takes me forever to listen to what God's been trying to teach me all along, so it would make sense that in some areas i'm a little behind the times. i'm not ready for those things yet.

ramble, ramble, ramble. i'll probably re-read this in the morning and question what the heck i was thinking in saying all of this out loud to more than just my leather-bound journal, i realize it sounds scattered and slightly loopy. maybe i'm putting it out here for honesty; maybe for accountability; maybe vulnerability (which is definitely something i struggle with). probably all three mooshed together and spit back out again.

something that makes sense to me, more sense than a lot of things right now are these words:



we are all hunters
hunting for something
that will make us okay...

we are made of love
all the beauty stemming from
we are made of love
and every fracture
caused by the lack of it (sleeping at last)



maybe someday, oneday will be here... and now won't be such a waiting game.