kind of tired.

long story short:

life doesn't turn out the way you plan.

hahahahahaha. yup.

for now, i am in new york. tonight is the last night alone in my apartment, my beautiful, wood-floored, perfect-for-one, high ceiling-ed, built-in-bookshelfed apartment. as i packed up the remnants of stuff, i realized how much i want to get rid of it, all of it. i actually really do. if i were moving all this crap with someone else it might have more meaning, but (sounding pathetic, warning, warning) moving it all just for me and completely alone feels rather hollow and empty. like, if i'm going to be single why am i not running around having insane adventures? why am i instead married to/trapped by all this "stuff"?!

end pathetic rant.

anyhow, i am picking up the pieces and attempting to figure out what in the world comes next. the Lord has been so so so good to me in providing for my needs so far, but i confess it's still difficult not to be stressed by whatever is next.

so i'll just do my best and keep on taking one day at a time.

even though it hasn't been fun necessarily and at times i wish for being back where i was, i am thankful and know that i had to try or i'd never be satisfied with the "what-if"'s. i wouldn't. for better or worse, that is just how i am. so now i just deal with the days and feel relieved that maybe, just maybe, there are things beyond my understanding.